I finally see you

Every day I go through my tube station.. walking roughly around 80mph.. rush hour and all, but I always slow my pace to read the notice board.. today was absolutely transformational, and so on point for me. It simply said:

“its not what you look at, it’s what you see”

My mind was now racing with thoughts of a current struggle I was having being ignored by my Narcissist Ex. If I’m honest, it’s been difficult to share any kind of space with him, and then for him to ignore my existence was leaving me shredded to bits each and every time. I was actually tempted to break no contact and contact him..asking him why he was ignoring me, if I had done something to offend him to the extent that he couldn’t even acknowledge me.. it was and has been torture for me.

But this humble statement echoed in my head and deeper. I realise I was seeing him all wrong. Still delusional to think he was well, and so expecting basic kindness from him. And these expectations were driving my disappointment and my despair..I was seeing this all wrong..

In my thought I wrote the following on my journey home..

What exactly am I seeing when I see you that makes me think I require your acknowledgement? What of you do I see that makes me think you’re kind, well put together, healthy, genuine, whole?

Clearly I’m still delusional to think you are what I thought I saw.

You blinded me with your charm. Coloured my vision with you lies. Captivated all I knew and understood with your mess. And in this I believed you to be true. That’s what I saw. What I thought to be you. But that wasn’t you boo, it wasnt even me.

We were both lost. Neither of us knew our left from our right. Neither of us knew the shade of true love and yet we entered war.. assuming we would win each other over.. I saw my heart and love as enough to save you from yourself.. and you lead me to believe you would and could reciprocate it in excess. Blind leading the blind.. you wasnt what I was looking at, I was seeing what I wanted to see..

But I see you now. I see you. For who you really are. Sick, flawed, unwell, toxic, broken.. I see you. No malicious intent, no roots of bitterness. I’m not turning into a Angry Black Woman over this. When you come to mind I ask God to help you.. that’s all, help. But, in seeing you for you, I am released from expecting, released from requiring, released from disappointments.

It’s really not what you look at, but what you see…

Be encouraged

My fling with Mr P

Even as I am writing this.. I may still have a little “Situation-Ship” with this thing..Pray for me..Lets just say I had intended to write this on Monday, it’s now Thursday evening and somewhere between guilt and drive – I’m an only writing this now.. But here we are – Thank God..

I intentionally didn’t make any plans for the year. I naturally do it all the time, but for some reason Jan 2019 came and I had nothing. In hindsight it has been a good thing that I didn’t. This year has been quite a traumatic one for me leaving me with a questionable view of reality. I had spent a considerable amount of years thinking one thing and in one 24 hour span all that came crashing down.

What hit the floor were my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, my intentions and strangely enough everything I had thought of myself and who I thought I was. My entire existence had been wrapped up (I was going use the word engaged – the irony) in an individual and the prospects of an entirely different life to the one I currently have. I was under the assumption, and that’s really where I went wrong.

Fast forward 6 months of me clearing up the shattered pieces of my existence there were pieces missing. I thought I was doing well by using my “business” as some kind of polly-filler to mask over the gaps. The pieces that I had managed to get together were not holding well – because of the gaps. But, I thought if I am busy enough, moving fast enough, it wont matter. Boy was I wrong. I wasn’t busy – I was running. Running from being accountable. Running from making an effort. Running from trying again. I was running with fear as my co-runner.

A few things have crossed my mind to do while I have been healing this year. They have all crossed my mind, been written down in my journal, looked into – just a little – and been left with no further action. Marked down to just a good idea, something someone could do. That someone not being me of course. Or, maybe I would get to it one day.

Something else I would do… God would inspire me to do something and rather than just get on with it, I would go ask someone’s opinion about it. Now, this was not for validation – rather stalling. This meant that any delay, was now not mines, but someone else for not getting back to me in a timely manner – coz we all know folks are busy. But why was I looking for the input of others when the idea was heaven sent? Fear.

I have been fed things about myself for so long that I had lost sight and comprehension of who I was. I was scared to be anything, because without the expressed opinions of someone else, I didn’t really know what to think. Everything I did believe about the relationship was now a categorical lie – which also went for everything and anything I believed about me. So where was I? Somewhere admits the shattered pieces.

So here came Mr Procrastination (aka Mr P). Broad in stature – broad enough for me to lost in. Always around and willing to hear why I couldn’t do something today. Always looking to remind me of the fact that “tomorrow is another day”. Tall enough to remind me of just how small I was in this big world of people who could get the job done better than I could. Warm enough for me to curl up and be oh so comfortable with. I had literally fallen into the arms of Mr P – head over heals. He meant I didn’t have to try and ultimately fail – just like I had at the relationship.

One Sunday my Pastor delivers a message with my name on it: “What have you done with your talent?” (Mthw 25:14-30). The parable of a man with workers. He gives them all an amount of money according to their ability and leaves for some time. When he returns he asks about the money. Two of the three workers had doubled what they were given. One had simply dug a hole in the ground and buried it. The man had a few choice words for this worker calling him both lazy and wicked. The money he was given was taken off him, and he was fired. This was one of those “if you can’t say Amen, just say ouch” kind of messages.

I went home and had to really sit and think about what was happening. What was I doing, and why was I not doing what I was supposed to be doing? I was scared. Scared to try and fail again. Scared of getting it wrong like I had been for so long. I’d lost trust in myself and wasn’t even attempting to trust God. None of this was correct, and far from the woman God had called me to be. This relationship with Mr P had to end. I was not about to loose what little talent I consider myself to have due to this thing I had going on. I had been handed one thing to do – could I not just manage the one. I had to call it off. I had to trust God to fill in the gaps of my reality for me. Bridging the gaps between the parts me I had, and the parts I felt that were missing.

To whoever is reading this – If you have been blessed with a vision from God, just get on with it. It’s likely you will look at the thing and for one reason on the other you will assume the job is too big for you. Liklyhood is that, that is exactly correct for YOU – Human being YOU it is too big, but you were never meant to do it alone, God just wanted you to get started. So many scriptures remind us of how we start but God finishes – in ways far beyond our own ability. We just have to be willing to be obedient knowing that the one who has started the work (by planting the seed in your mind) is able to complete it..the bits in the middle have your name on it. Lets not be found both wicked and lazy and have the one thing we had been given taken from us and loose our entitlements entirely.

Find one thing before the year is out that you KNOW you were supposed to get moving with. Do what you can with it and trust God to make provision for the rest. If he has a plan on the earth he need man to work through. He has all the provision, just waiting on a willing channel to work through..Let it be you.

 

 

 

The Power in Perspective Pt2

So part two of my thoughts on perspective

Part two will hopefully encourage you to take control of the situations you face by becoming more self aware and in control. Often times we allow life to happen to us as if we have little to no control of the situations. Life happens – that’s a given. Scripture says the rain falls on the just AND the unjust (Mth 5:45) meaning that none of us a exempt from trials and just life .. However, the power is in how we choose to go through it.

I often times think of Job and all he suffered in an instant – unknown to him – God and the Devil were having a good old talk about him before anything started going wrong for him. To top it all off – this wasn’t like when God sent the plagues to Egypt because of the hardened hart of Pharaoh – God was actually boasting about Job and how good he is and STILL allowed the Devil to mess up his life to the extent that he was left with nothing..

Often time our perspective would lead us to think that God is full on out to get us. Just out lurking with pit falls and fog and anything else that would make our lives difficult – but this is the total opposite of what The Father is trying to do. Lets look at some examples:

John 9:1-12 tells us of a man who was born blind and the encounter he had with Jesus. Jesus was about his business as per usual and he encounters this blind man. His disciples ask him “who sinned why he was born blind, his mother or father?”. Jesus’s answer offers a different perspective in verse 3 :  Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Here we see one situation. Two perspectives. The disciples had one, Jesus had another. The disciples wanted to know who was to blame for this terrible thing that this man had endured all his life. They were looking for someone to blame as to why this thing had happened. They were concerned about they WHY of the situation. Don’t most of us get stuck in the Why of a matter. See the different perspective from Jesus – He was more concerned about the WHAT of this situation. What was the reason for this whole orchestrated encounter – simply that the works of God might be displayed through him. See the difference

Another example. Lazarus. In John 11 we see the account of a friend of Jesus being reported to be sick. The bible accounts that this man was close to Jesus. Mary says to him “the one you love”.. just in case He was getting his friends and Lazarus’ mixed up. In verse four we get the perspective of Jesus “When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby”. Here we have a perspective. Now this didn’t change the situation. It didn’t even change the initial outcome of the friend dying – however we see the power of perspective. Look at Jesus’s reaction – He actually stayed where He was for another two days. Not shaken – not even stirred.

Now we could say He wasn’t shaken because He knew what He was going to do – how would you expect me to have such grounding without knowledge of how things are going to end? I’m glad you asked – this is where we have to train our faith.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen we are told (Heb 11:1). It’s what the unknown and unseen are made up from – Faith. Scripture tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. another version talks of an expected end. Here very clearly we see the outline – start to finish of God’s heart and mind towards us. He makes it very clear that he has an expected end. He has a glory at the end for us. His thoughts towards us are GOOD. He has no ill thought or plan for our lives. And this is the rock we need to anchor our perspective in.

Many things have happened to me and often times I stopped to wonder why? Like I didn’t pray, or fast, or read my bible. Like I don’t sever in church, pay my tithes, give my offering. Like I’ve not suffered enough.. that’s one perspective. To consider life as one BIG episode of Total Wipeout where the aim is to Take-Me-Out.. and God is the one releasing all the water and foam and BIG balls just to make it difficult. Or, I could ask God “what is it you want from me and or my life via this? Since your thoughts towards me are good..and in aims of bringing me to an expected end – what (not why) is this in aims of”?

You my dear have to make the decision to taken another stance. Now I am not asking you to put on a pair of sunglasses and pretend like life isn’t happening – because it is – whether you want to see it or not. But what I am suggesting to you is that you take a moment to think before reacting. Lets not forget – Jesus still cried when He got to the grave of the friend who He loved – even with full knowledge of what He was going to do – so I am not taking that away from you. I’m suggesting a different perspective. You actually have the power and choice to do things differently.

Having your thoughts anchored in such a truth (and there are may more like it) allows you to steady your reactions. Like Jesus – asleep on the boat despite the storm. Just because Jesus was there, didn’t stop the storm – but the storm didn’t bother him. It’s a choice you have to and can make.. to choose another perspective.

Much love xxx

 

The Power in Perspective. Pt 1

Proverbs 23:7 “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he…”

There is something very powerful, life changing and transformative about the way we think. The scripture does not suggest that there is something external to the man that dictates what he does, and who he is, however it is dependant on the very content of his own mind. This scripture is so powerful because it rightly proportions the right and the power of your actions back into your own hands.

Now, for some, this isn’t good news. Why, you may ask. Why wouldn’t someone like to hear that they have the ability to control the outcome? Because truth be told, some just enjoy being how they are and the way they are  – it’s uncomfortably comfortable. Because it means that I have to be, and am fully accountable for me. For some this is bad news. No, seriously – this is horrible for some people. The fact that they are no longer able to blame someone and or something external to them for the way they are is a full on party pooper of a statement for them. They say ignorance is bliss.. not anymore baby.. not any more!

For some it’s simply easier to have someone else to blame for the way we are now. And believe me when I say I am not suggesting that we are totally abstract and unconnected from our experiences – but what I am suggesting is that at some point we have to take responsibility for what happens now.

Psychology would suggest that the person we are today is made up of various things. One of those things are what we think of ourselves – our own perception of who we are. Another is made up of what others have told us and we have adopted to be truth (whether it be actual truth or not). Another is based on what has happened to us that has shaped parts of our personality – learnt behaviours, coping mechanisms, phobias etc. So I fully acknowledge that external things have an impact on what we do and who we are… however.. I am suggesting that at some point we have the power to rewrite the future based on our choice of perception.

At some point we have to become responsible for who we are. At some point we can no longer blame the upbringing, the parents, the education, the church, the friends or the lack there of – at some point you have to become responsible for telling the rest of the story.

As a man thinks – he is. The responsibility is on you. Nothing external. You.

I know hardly warm and fluffy like a fresh batch of Cinnabons.. (if you don’t know what that looks, taste or smells like..Chilllllle.. where you beeennn..? go google it now..I’ll wait).. but medicinal and good for you.

So what exactly is perspective:

noun
1.
the art of representing three-dimensional objects on a two-dimensional surface so as to give the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position in relation to each other.
“the theory and practice of perspective”
2.
a particular attitude towards or way of regarding something; a point of view.
“most guidebook history is written from the editor’s perspective”

 

I love the first one. The Art.. perspective is an art-form indeed. Three-dimensional objects on two-dimensional surface so as to – watch this – give the right impression. Which would suggest that there is a possibility to have the wrong impression. The second meaning looks at attitude and holding a particular point of view. Ultimately it is the art of of altering ones view or how something is seen. Which would suggest there is and can be another way…

1 Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things”

The putting way of childish things wasn’t the making of the adult. By that I mean the writer didn’t say he became a man because he put away childish things. It suggests the impression of the need to put away childish things came when he became a man. Again it was a person responsibility and reaction. Just because time lapsed and I became an adult did childish things automatically disappear? Nope. I – You – We need t make the choice to put them away. We have got to change perspective.

Perspective changes responses – How?

2 Kings 6: 15-17 “15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked. 16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” 17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha”

The passage shows two men in the same situation – with different perspectives – results in two different reactions. Both polar opposites. The servant – being surrounded by chariots and horses of the enemy he was scared, fear took him. Elisha wasn’t afraid of what was happening around him, so his reaction to it was different, and he knew exactly what his servant needed to see – what perspective of the situation he needed to have that would alter his reaction to a very real situation they were in. The prophet asked God to open the man’s eyes so he could see what he could see – the perspective he had – that he had more with him than were against him. His perspective needed changing to change his reaction to the experience.

Your Perspective – Your Choice

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Are you aware you have a choice to you’re thoughts and perspective? Especially if you are person of faith. You have a right and a choice to your perspective. The results of stinking thinking is stinking living. Bad thoughts and negative perceptions will only have you responding in likewise ways. The responsibility to change this is yours. 

My own story – After a breakup from a 6 year narcissistic abusive relationship (I’ll share that story one day), I was a full on mental and emotional mess. After 6 years I was left with PTSD and was verging on Psychosis. My mind and thinking totally battered and shell shocked. Unable to distinguish night from day, light from dark, good from bad and most importantly, truth from lie. Somehow I found myself blaming myself, I was of the opinion that God was against me, and I was no good. That was my perspective. and this radiated in my living. I rejected love from God, adamant I was worthless, unworthy, condemned, judged with a verdict that was far from in my favour. That was my perspective and that was my reaction. As I was thinking – So Was I .

But there came a point where I was simply sick and tired of being mentally sick and tired. I was done with thinking bad, feeling bad and being bad. I was fully fed-up of being a slave to the contents of my own mind. I had to take back the power. I had to stand in the power given to me.

2 Corinthians 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

We are told that we have the ability and power to demolish every argument and presentation that is against what God knows and what we know of God. We have the power to put into subjection anything that is distorting our perception. Anything that has presented a false or limited perception. Again, the power has been given to YOU to do it. Hardly the lazy man’s guide to life.. but something I really want you to grasp with both hands. The choice is YOURS. The choice was MINES.. 

I made the choice to change the way I was thinking. I had to – and have continued to make a choice to. I could continue with life on the spin cycle of negative stinking thinking – spinning in pain and frustration and bitterness and hurt. Or, I could change my perspective. Believe me – there was plenty to remain negative about – years of it – but I had to make a choice…

Come back for Part Two where I tell you what I did to get there .. Not a finished work.. but I am better than I was yesterday and for that I am grateful and willing to share..

See you soon lovelies..

 

 

Uninvited: Lysa TerKeurst

I’m just going to get to the point.. This has been one of the best booked that I have read for a long time…

Possibly due to the time of life that I am currently in (Recovery and Healing).. and maybe just because it’s just a very well written book. She has a very personable tone to her writing that makes you feel like one of her sisters or a close friend. She remains warm and welcoming in each of her chapters.

The book takes you through how she has managed and dealt with different aspects of rejection stemming from the absence of father as a child, friends, colleagues, loved ones and heartbreak. Each of these experiences she has walked through and she takes her reader through them in such a real way – literally inviting you walk through it with her. She then stops to invite you to a better way of viewing rejection.

Many of us resist the opportunity and chance of rejection by living in isolation, but all that really does is frustrate and lock the call of God on our lives. Lysa makes it clear that rejection is something that we all must face in life, however our perception and mindset is so important in how we respond to it. She invites you to reinforce your truth and foundations of your belief so that when rejection comes you are not shaken by it but can actually be built by it.

In previous blogs I have talked about the importance of what you hold true and this book reinforce that for me. It is really important that you are aware of what you hold true, what you consider fact and how you allow those things to govern your life. She touches on the effects of “Stinking Thinking” and how the contents of the heart can impact your life.

My key take away from this book: God is Good, God is Good to me, and God is Good at being God. This statement really stood out to me. It really challenged and questioned if I really trusted God to be God. If I did, truth is, I would worry a lot less about the future because God is good to me, and He is very good at doing His job at being God.

A really good book for those who are struggling processing rejection, feeling left out and feeling unloved. Something most encounter at some point. It also support those who’s faith has been shaken by repeated encounters with rejection. Helping us understand that God does not have it out for us and is not trying to take us out, rather refining us because He is looking for pure gold. He has an aim to present us back to Himself without spot and without wrinkle. He loves you – dearly – genuinely and uniquely. It is a really supporting read for healing of our thought processes when dealing with rejection.

Highly Recommended ..

Uninvited

 

 

Strength of your Heart

Wait on the LORD. Be courageous, and he will strengthen your heart. Wait on the LORD! Psalm 27:14

During morning devotion – and no – that doesn’t mean I was sat on a beach front, watching the sunrise winging on a hammock in blissful silence. . . More like sat at my desk, in front of half eaten breakfast taking the few minutes I had between my 7 year old asking me to locate his left shoe, my 12 year old needing to be reminded to use deodorant today and me remembering to pack my lunch.. that I was caught by the scripture. 

You know when you are sat minding your own business and all of a sudden there is a flurry of activity and its like someone hit the download button and all of a sudden there is a surge of information and encouragement. Scriptures are just flying through your head, thoughts are being lined up that are then being layered up with more scriptures.. You don’t.. well I don’t.. even know where the scriptures are taken from but they are coming thick and fast. Almost like the Clark Kent to Superman transformation in a phone box. Often times I don’t even know what to write on which is why I have pens and post-it notes all over my home.. these moments of inspiration just take off and I need to be able to write them down as they come.. I don’t want to miss a single crumb..

So this particular morning, back to the half eaten breakfast – I hear “Wait on the Lord.. Be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart. Wait I say on the Lord”. I asked myself one question.. – Why, when I am waiting would my heart need strength? Why would it be promised that in my time of waiting that God would be the one to strengthen my heart while I am waiting?

I was reminded of Proverbs 13:12 that states that “Hope deferred, makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life“.

There is something somewhat sickening about waiting..There – I said it.

There is just something about waiting that is unsettling when it has been going on for some while. The proverb suggests that your heart becomes sick when something you have hoped for is delayed, and this is fact. Whether you are waiting for a bus, a delivery, or the microwave – something happens to our hearts in the state of delayed expectations. A strange mix of anxiety and confusion takes us. We know something should be happening about now, we are looking for it, listening out for it, but it’s not turned up. Then here comes the questions – Why has it not turned up? Where is it? When is it coming? How much longer will I be without? what’s going on?

All these are valid questions when waiting, however, after having asked yourself the same question for 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks, maybe 5 months, or the last 5 years, for some decades..(you get the picture) – something happens – literally – something damaging starts to happen. The questions that were once logical and rational have morphed into swards of furry that poke holes in our once whole and sound heart. Turning joyful hope into a toxic slurry of confusion and doubt if we are not careful. Having waited “too long” our heart has become sick..

broken heart.PNG

Proverbs 4:23 states this: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it“. When your heart has become sick – believe me – its evident in almost every area of your life. Jesus while talking to a group of Pharisees notes that “..out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks..”(Mthw 12:34). Our heart and its contents are directly linked to what we do and what we say. A sick heart can lead us to do and say some out of Christlike-Character things.. Proverbs 15:13 tells us “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”..

heart and mind

And this is why our heart needs strengthening – and reinforcing while we are waiting. God in His wisdom lets us know that if we can do the waiting – He will do the strengthening. This is His promise to us. He is well aware of the potentially effects of waiting for a promise given. He knows we have the tendency to become impatient and flustered and loose hope while waiting. Doubt is both toxic and hazardous in the life of the believer. As is fear – and guaranteed where you find one.. the other wont be far behind.

We owe it to ourselves to check the content of our heart and mouth in relation to things we are still waiting on God for. Have we started speaking negatively about that deferred hope? Have we sided with doubt and decided that maybe God cant? Or maybe you haven’t taken it as far as God can’t.. because that would be unheard of to find something God cant do.. so that cant be it – maybe we have consoled ourselves with the thought that God simply wont..we’ve sold our hopes because they cause us too much pain to bear. I dare not get my hopes up..

I’ll share a thought process I had concerning a wait of mines .. “I can’t, in fact I refuse to go to another wedding without a husband of my own…At LEAST a boyfriend.. and dare anyone ask me to be a bridesmaid… again.. in fact, please don’t even invite me to the wedding.. I don’t really want to know – I just can’t. I don’t want to hear how you wasn’t even looking for a husband .. “but look what the Lord did”…. No .. I’m not shouting with you, put down my tambourine and go away please.. and thank you.. #truestory .. one I’m sure a few of you can relate to. My heart had become so toxic in the season of waiting that I found it difficult to honestly (the key word there) and genuinely celebrate others who had received the answer to MY prayer…  err – excuse me!! – Anyways.. we thank God for deliverance.. I’m still single, but my heart isn’t toxic about it.. !

Now, He didn’t promise to speed things up, or put an automatic end out our wait. That wasn’t the promise. He promises to give us the ability to endure. Not something we do ourselves – something He says that He will take care of. However, should we become weary in the waiting – trust me – it happens.. Psalm 147:3 reminds us that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”.

You’ve still got to wait though. I know.. hardly the happy ending you were looking for – but know that God has prepared strength for you in His presence and His word that will strengthen and reinforce your heart while you are waiting. Even if doubt turns up with it’s BFF fear – God has the remedy for both of those.. and its usually wrapped in the demonstration of His love towards us.

Wait on the Lord.. Be of good courage .. and HE WILL strengthen your heart. Wait I say on the Lord..

Until next time..

 

 

I know you’re still in there..

A letter to my (Gran) Dad…

I know you’re still in there.

I can see it in your eyes. Your condition has you locked like a prisoner in your own body. Present and yet so absent, but I know you’re in there. The odd times you smile and remember who I am. I cherish each time you say my name. I know you’re still in there.

I’m sorry I force you to talk to me, almost nose to nose with you, invading your personal space.. I’m just making sure you’re still in there..

It pains me to see you like this.. now I know why you were such a story-teller. And would tell a story for the 20th time like it was brand new. Because God knew that, one day, a day like today..there would be no more stories.. well not that I can always make sense of..your stories now mix present with the past and make me stop and think.. but I guess it makes sense to you. You always want to know what shift Im on, or tell me about your urgent need to get to the office.. but I know you’re still in there.

My daddy, my friend.. I know you’re still in there..

#VascularDementia

My Yoke is Easy

John 16;13:  “But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come”

Here Jesus talks of the benefits of Him leaving and the exchange of His person with the Spirit person that is the Holy Spirit. He tells the disciples that He (the Holy Spirit) will talk of things to come and will lead us into all truth. To be lead takes submission right. To be lead means that someone in this arrangement needs to submit any will and logic they may have to the one who knows the way.

Romans 8:14 “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.” Paul lets us know that a tell tell sign of the son’s of God are those that are led by the Spirit of God. The scripture points to point of maturity and relationship. We are no longer servants, but now sons.

In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus encourages us to do something quite different. He said Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

He extends an invitation for all the weary and burdened and exchange He would give us rest. So far this sound like the perfect exchange. I’m tired, and you want to give me rest. Fine.

He then goes on to suggest how this exchange would work. He says we need to take His yoke on us, and learn from him. A yoke is an object that would be used to link two animals together… to do work.. Both were linked together to carry out one task. At this point most would question the methods here. How does working provide rest? He goes on to tell us that His yoke is easy and the burden is light. But its still work!

The Spirit of God brings a sense of relationship. Jesus brought us Grace. Prior to his appearance we were bound to the law which Paul in the book of Romans consistently calls weak. It was weak because it had no remedy to sin only condemnation of sin. The law was good for identification of where you went wrong, but the methods of redemption were through works. Jesus came to provide both relationship and the concept of Grace by no works of our own but the once and for all sacrifice that He would make on our behalf.

While we may sin, fall short, miss the mark, get it wrong, fall over, make a mess we are married to a man of Grace. He says through the prophet Isaiah (I paraphrase) Come, lets talk this over, though your sins be as scarlet I will make them as white as snow (Isaiah 1:18) Here we see the power isn’t ours to make us white, but His. Under the law we would have to find a goat, a priest, wait for the day of repentance, make sacrifices, go here, do this, do that – but we are not under the law, but under Grace where God offers to take that burden from you and give you rest.

We no longer need to be concerned with the task of being perfect. Our relationship is no longer performance based because HE became our righteousness and we now stand complete IN Him. We are encourage to yoke up with Him. Get into partnership. Submit our ways to His. Align ourselves with His work – because ultimately its the easier way to live this thing called life. 1 Peter 5:6+7 encourages us to humble ourselves under His mighty hand – and how do we do that? By casting all our cares on Him. Why? Simply  because he cares for us.

 

 

More Waiting…

Father God enough with the waiting already..

I’m going to be honest with you. This season of waiting is not being kind to me.. not in the slightest… Lord and if the tables haven’t turned on me in the last 7 days, I’m not sure what else was happening.

Those who follow know I’m single. And you’ve probably established that I’m trying to raise two young boys. The eldest has approached that pre-teen age and I’m again going to be honest.. this male-pre-teen thing is noooo joke! Sis, Bro, Mam, SIR.. I’ve no clue what version of human will emerge from his room each morning.. I’ve got to learn a whole new language “mumble”.. and like me he has no tolerance for repeating himself, but my boy does not know that I don’t speak mumble.. Any tutors in the house.. come find me please..! An off tangent entrance into my post, but just to add to the waiting, I’m being forced to navigate this new man child of mines… Father help me!

Anyway. I say that to say this.. I need help.

I often talk to God – indirectly about my marital position and how it impacts my sons as a plea to getting Him to send me some help. I was raised in a house of females. The only male I had was my grandfather and he is currently in a home with Vascular Dementia and so isn’t in a position to mentor or show them “man”.. I clearly have no clue what it means to be a “man” and so I look to God and ask him to please send me some help in raising these two boys.

I have a fear of them learning how to deal and navigate life from me – a highly emotional female. And as a result of my fears I know I have a tendency to be emotionally neutral even cold just so they don’t think that bursting into tears is the correct way to react to everything. Wrong, right, in-between.. I don’t really know. But I genuinely, at times, have no clue what else I am supposed to do. I also do not want them growing up thinking that this way of life – single mother blah blah blah is normal or what they should expect from life. I honestly feel that children are both products of what they are told and what they see. It’s harder for you to recreate something you have no knowledge of, and I am desperate to correct their version of “normal”..

In the midst of all these thoughts and feelings – this weekend I have been literally bombarded with message after message about “waiting”… You know when God is trying to tell you something and it seems like every message, every scripture eeeeeeeeeerrrrrbody is talking about Waiting.. And not just waiting – waiting well.

Sunday – Pastor skimmed past a scripture in part of his sermon. Numbers 9:15-23.

This scripture talks of the activity and inactivity of the pillar of fire by night and the cloud by day that was with the Children of Israel. This pillar/cloud was their Sat-Nav. When it moved, they moved. When it stopped, they stopped. The scripture expounded on this for us going into different spans of time. If it stopped for a day, they stopped for a day. A month, then a month it was. If it was a year, then they were still… no movement.. no journeying for a year. If the pillar/cloud didn’t move – neither did they. Verse 20: when the cloud was still for a few days, according to the commandment of the Lord they rested in their tents and didn’t move. The stillness – the no movement was a commandment, a strict instruction not to move..

We are talking about the Omniscient God – All knowing

Towards the end of Exodus they were told where they were going. Into a promise land. A promise made many… many… maaaaanny years ago – but this was all they had to hinge their obedience on. The fact that God said we were – He alone knows the way – so whatever and wherever – we are sold to it. Psalm 119:49-50 shares this feeling.

49 Remember your word to your servant,
    for you have given me hope.
 50 My comfort in my suffering is this:
    Your promise preserves my life

All I have is the promises that He made to me some four years ago now that I would marry. I was so concerned about getting this message I received correct that I went to a Prophetess, two pastors and a deaconess juuuuust to make sure I had heard clearly. And at the time.. I was excited  – thinking it was now.. and with the man I was in. And here I am.. four years later from that day.. Talking to you not only unmarried – but full on single..{Insert straight face – blinking}.. I can imagine the Children of Israel thinking the same thing.. “um.. wasn’t we supposed to be going somewhere ..all now” {re-insert straight face – blinking}..

But they were set on the promise – and that is all they had to go on. Their obedience was set and rooted in the promise made to them by the all knowing God. And sis, bro, Mam.. SIR … that is ALL we have at times – what He told us He would do, however long ago it was. His word will not and can not return to Him void – (Isiah 55:11). He’s not a man that He should lie (Num 23:19). That’s all we have to run on.. -The fact that He said it.

So after you’ve come to yourself.. however long that takes.. You’ll find comfort in the facts of the matter.. You will.. Promise

Much love lovelies ..

Fear and self control

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgement and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].
2 TIMOTHY 1:7 AMP
https://bible.com/verse-of-the-day/2ti.1.7/718

This week I went on a road trip with my two boys.. and I came back with a lot more than pictures.

I have two boys, who in age are around 5yrs apart and in character are complete polar opposites. My eldest is very calm, an observant individual, happy not to speak unless it means something to him or if spoken to. He’s wondering into his teenage yrs so his temperament fluctuates like the wind. At times he seems SO miserable that its actually hard to be around him as he is just so dismissive, and resistant to any form of engagement…

My youngest, he’s 7 and just happy to be alive. He is warm, affectionate, close, engaging, nooooon stop talking. He needs engagements from the moment he wakes to the moment he sleeps. This could be an age thing, but he’s always been this way..

Polar opposites. Mothering both of them has had its challenges. I’ve had to master the skill of looking after both spectrums at once.. one who wont start and one who wont stop. One who doesn’t want to be looked at and one who wont stop till you lock eyes with him. One who laughs with passion and depth.. and the other.. who almost seems afraid to let you see him smile. It can be quite difficult as I can’t engage with them the same but I must and need to engage.

This week I realized that my children are a direct expression of my character.. or maybe that should be characterS…plural..and how hard it must be to manage and be with me.

I recall conversations with my ex. He would tell me how hard I was to be with. How hard it was to anticipate and gage where I would emotionally or mentally be at any given moment. He once told me he that he’d rather not spend money on me if I was in one of my moods. He hated that I could run from one pole to another at any given moment..and he never knew who and or what to expect.

This week it registered just how difficult this must have been.. through my children I was seeing me.. the warm and tender me and the.. well.. not so warm and tender.. and it stopped me in my tracks..

I had to bring this to God. He opened my eyes, and I just didn’t know what to do with what I was seeing. I immediately went to God for help. Help with my emotions. The fact that I seem to swing like some uncontrollable pendulum from pillar to post.. no warning.. just swinging. It’s not good.. not safe.. not nice..

I had to ask God for help! And help He did. 2 Tim 1:7. Tells me that God hasn’t give me the spirit of fear, but power, love and a SOUND MIND. Another version talks of a Well-Balanced mind and Self-Control … basically.. NON-PENDULUM-LIKE-NESS-NESS…!

I had to start by thanking God for being kind enough to expose my issues. He’s a good father. Secondly, I asked him to remove the core emotions of fear that demonstrate and manifest themselves in my pendulum like ways. I asked God to help me.. help me be more balanced. Help me to have some self-control. Father help me not to be such a pendulum.. all this swinging around cant be healthy or helpful..