I have discovered something about myself recently. I have very little patients, neither do I like waiting.
I look back over my life and see how much I have done and did out of the inability to wait. I was working before the legal age, as my family were not one of these pocket money and allowance types. So rather than waiting and having to ask, I asked a lady in a charity shop near my grandparents home if I could work for her. She agreed and that where I would be found for as long as I could after school. As soon as I got my National Insurance Number (not even the card, just the number..lol) which meant I was now allowed to work I was out looking for a job. I secured one within a few weeks and have been working ever since.
When I was legally able to apply for a drivers licence I did so and was determined to pass this test. So it took me a few attempts, but I was determined to get this done. Why, because my family don’t know time and I wanted to be able to leave and go when I was ready. So due to my inability to wait and frustrations when it came to their time keeping, I did all I could to remove myself from that. Even to this day, I have to think twice when they offer me a lift to somewhere we are all going. While it means I don’t have to drive, and better for the Ozone and all that, I just have think… your likely to be late picking me up, meaning we are going to be late arriving where we are going, and likely, you’ll be the last to leave when its done..Then the question now remains – do I have enough patients for this? The usual answer is – NO! LOL
Currently, if I’m honest, I am struggling with this season of waiting. I’ve wanted to be married from a very young age. Hindsight tells me that, that may not have been such a good idea, but the desire for marriage has never left me – as often as I tell God to remove it, if it’s not in His will for me to marry! I rolled into my 30’s – grateful for life but VERY disappointed. I was 30 with two kids and no husband.. hardly a happy birthday moment for me. This really was not the way I had planned for things to go, but here I was.
This year I hit 31, still no husband. Still waiting, still desiring to be married and what seems to be nothing happening. Waiting!
We have a song we sing in church that says “I don’t mind waiting”. Being on the choir and a worship leader, I’ve had to sing it a few times, and lead the congregation in what is such a pretty song. But each time, the song is finish, I sit down, and I think.. well that wasn’t very honest was it now Candace. Because the truth is, sometimes – I do mind waiting. I do mind. I do mind sitting here like old meat on a shelf, unfavourable due to my past, unlikely matched due to my age, and a hard nut to crack due to my character. I do mind being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I do mind that almost every man I have been with is now married, I do mind that the few female friends I have had are all married now. I’m happy for them all, don’t get me wrong, but I would be lying if I said I get these invites, attend these weddings, see these pictures and don’t stop for a second to ask God.. when is it my turn?
When do I get to be someone’s good thing, when do I get to be held close, when do I get to share such amazing news that I have been found and chosen, that someone has found me and been mad enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. When do I get shimmy down an isle toward my love, my king, my heart. At what point do I get to celebrate a union and set up that was ordained by God himself in such wisdom and beauty. That He would ordain for two to become one flesh in love, heart, body and spirit. When do I get to look into the eyes of one that will call me his and vow to be mines until his last breath. When will I get to be called bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. When do I get to change my name – give up this one that holds so much pain, hurt, frustration, sadness in exchange for one that is a symbol of love, union, peace. One that I can write with a smile, one I can write with pride and joy. Lord, sometimes I do mind waiting.
While I trust God, and while I know that we should learn to embrace our seasons as they are beneficial and crucial to the next season, this season of waiting is not one I’m enjoying. I pray God increase my faith. My assurance. My trust in Him to be doing what is right for me. That this season – cold, dark, misty, uncertain, dry as it may be wont last forever, that my Spring will come – a time for new birth, freshness, newness, a season of life will come, and that I will be ready in waiting!
Noting particularly profound and deep today.. just wanted to share where I was at. Likely someone reading this is feeling the same way.. the least this will do is help you know that you are not alone..
Impatiently yours …
Sisters Daily x