No Words Today

Dear Daddy…

You seemed to struggle for words today. Sometimes you’re free to talk, other days, like today you’ve no words to say.

The boys and I came to see you today, to drop off your dinner. I suspect you thought I was one of the carers or the multiple others that turn up at your home during the day. You looked at me, puzzled and sleepy. I asked if you were ok. No words today.

I brought the boys to you. The usual Great Grandchildren line up. Your eyes drift ovet to Cameron. He yells at you “Hello Grandad” His face you know. You look at him and its like a growing joy that has started somewhere deep within and slowly comes through with a smile on your face. Its like a slow dot to dot connection. You see them, you know them, you like them, you smile. But still, No words today.

Next in the line up, Mr Noah. This one youre particularly fond of. He bounces up to you. Happy feet who cant keep still. This time you begin moving the covers as if youre now looking to get up for this one! You look at him. He too yells his greetings at you. You raise one of your perfectly arched grey and black eyebrows.. (something I have proudly inherited from you) as if to respond to his lound energetic salutation. But still, No words today.

The kids are gone and I begin my interrogation. How are you? Are you ok? Do you know who I am? Whats my name? No words today.

I take my glasses off and try again. Maybe if you see all my face you’ll know its me, your grand daughter, the last of your girls, the one you took and raised as your own, your CYANDI..

Daddy.. how are you? Are you ok? Do you know who I am? Your looking at me, your awake but No words today.

We look at each other for a while. Youre making noises, but no words. But I suspect you’re trying to talk. Your breathing changes between the noise you make, as if to pause between sentences. I wish I knew what you were saying. You’re now running your fingers across your lips as if to be wondering why they wont work. Maybe you think your talking to me and notice Im not talking back so youre trying to feel if your lips are moving. They are not, no words today.

You lift your hand towards me. And you lay it on my face. Your hand is so warm. I rest my face in your hands. Maybe you’ve accepted there are no words so you go for contact. Ever the gentleman. Ever the father. I look at you and simply say “Hi”.

Xxx

#VascularDementia

 

 

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