Open Your eyes dad..

Dear Daddy..

I’ve come to see you, but you wont see me.

You wont see me because you wont open your eyes.

I can see you though. I can see how much you have changed. I can see what vascular dementia has stripped you of your voice, your humour, your smile. I can see you, but you cant see me.

I know you can hear me, well, you can hear a voice. Of whom.. I’m not sure you know any more.

I don’t know if right now I need you to say my name or look at me. Both would be amazing, but I know both would be a huge ask right now. If you said my name it would mean you still know who I am.. that hadnt been stollen from you..and in return not stollen from me either.. Knowing that you know me is a feeling I cant put words to, its life to me in a world I struggle to be seen in. No one sees me, so maybe I need you to look at me.. but what use is sight with no vision.. Not much I dont think. Many have looked at me with no vision and its been a pointless engagement. They didnt know who I was either.

Anyways.. I just thought I would let you know that I am here, I see you even though you dont see me.

Prepare to reap with joy

So a happy new year to all those reading this blog for the first time and for those who have been travelling this journey with me for the last 4 years. A happy and blessed new year to you and yours. May 2020 be a year a of double for you!

So once again my new years plans didn’t go quite the way I wanted. Last year I was in A&E as my eldest took sick hours before new years and this year my youngest decides it’s his turn. So I was home, watching my church have church – while I was on the sofa eating a peanut butter and jam (Jelly for my US Family).. I’m not complaining – that with a cup of tea – I was a happy woman – ish.

As we were encouraged to worship a scripture came to me. Psalms 126:5 “Those that sow in tears will reap with joy”..

This came as a consolidation stepping out of 2019 and into 2020. Stepping out of the known into the unknown. Immersing from the old and into the new. This was the word of the Father to me and I believe to all I have the ability to touch via these mediums.

2019 was a year of much sorrow for me and for many of us alike. While I am reminded that it could have been worse, currently, it was the worst. If I had never known heart break before, 2019 made sure I was Veeeeery aware of what it was. There was much breaking, but there was also much work that was done.

RC Blakes a pastor from the US who has his ministry in encouraging queen consciousness once said this on one of his facebook videos “Sometimes you need to let your heart break to let your soul heal” and this was true for me. 2019 my heart broke but indeed I fond healing for my soul. While I was fragmented I was able to present all these broken peaces to God who has really helped me put them back together and aid in the repair of my soul.

So I just wanted to quickly encourage someone who has spent 2019 crying. To someone who has been putting in the work in prayer, in fasting, in therapy, counselling, reading and gathering information. To those who have been putting in the work – intentionally digging deep into their lives to try and be better. To those who have endured the pain of working things out and exposing all the mess in aims of cleaning up and out. We have been sowing in tears indeed. I would like to declare to you that this year we will reap – WITH joy.

Not only will there be a harvest and a return on all the work you have done, but you will gather this in joy. The return has been watered by all the tears you have cried. Not one drop has gone to waist. Not one has gone unnoticed. Not one. Each one has seeped into the building blocks of the return that is coming for you.

As I sit here writing this I am actually feeling a little anxious. I know right, day two and feeling odd already. Not sure what it is, but likely something looking to distract the gift of God that is before me for 2020. But forward still is the saviour will.

So just be encouraged that we will be reaping in 2019.. Reaping double..

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I finally see you

Every day I go through my tube station.. walking roughly around 80mph.. rush hour and all, but I always slow my pace to read the notice board.. today was absolutely transformational, and so on point for me. It simply said:

“its not what you look at, it’s what you see”

My mind was now racing with thoughts of a current struggle I was having being ignored by my Narcissist Ex. If I’m honest, it’s been difficult to share any kind of space with him, and then for him to ignore my existence was leaving me shredded to bits each and every time. I was actually tempted to break no contact and contact him..asking him why he was ignoring me, if I had done something to offend him to the extent that he couldn’t even acknowledge me.. it was and has been torture for me.

But this humble statement echoed in my head and deeper. I realise I was seeing him all wrong. Still delusional to think he was well, and so expecting basic kindness from him. And these expectations were driving my disappointment and my despair..I was seeing this all wrong..

In my thought I wrote the following on my journey home..

What exactly am I seeing when I see you that makes me think I require your acknowledgement? What of you do I see that makes me think you’re kind, well put together, healthy, genuine, whole?

Clearly I’m still delusional to think you are what I thought I saw.

You blinded me with your charm. Coloured my vision with you lies. Captivated all I knew and understood with your mess. And in this I believed you to be true. That’s what I saw. What I thought to be you. But that wasn’t you boo, it wasnt even me.

We were both lost. Neither of us knew our left from our right. Neither of us knew the shade of true love and yet we entered war.. assuming we would win each other over.. I saw my heart and love as enough to save you from yourself.. and you lead me to believe you would and could reciprocate it in excess. Blind leading the blind.. you wasnt what I was looking at, I was seeing what I wanted to see..

But I see you now. I see you. For who you really are. Sick, flawed, unwell, toxic, broken.. I see you. No malicious intent, no roots of bitterness. I’m not turning into a Angry Black Woman over this. When you come to mind I ask God to help you.. that’s all, help. But, in seeing you for you, I am released from expecting, released from requiring, released from disappointments.

It’s really not what you look at, but what you see…

Be encouraged