I finally see you

Every day I go through my tube station.. walking roughly around 80mph.. rush hour and all, but I always slow my pace to read the notice board.. today was absolutely transformational, and so on point for me. It simply said:

“its not what you look at, it’s what you see”

My mind was now racing with thoughts of a current struggle I was having being ignored by my Narcissist Ex. If I’m honest, it’s been difficult to share any kind of space with him, and then for him to ignore my existence was leaving me shredded to bits each and every time. I was actually tempted to break no contact and contact him..asking him why he was ignoring me, if I had done something to offend him to the extent that he couldn’t even acknowledge me.. it was and has been torture for me.

But this humble statement echoed in my head and deeper. I realise I was seeing him all wrong. Still delusional to think he was well, and so expecting basic kindness from him. And these expectations were driving my disappointment and my despair..I was seeing this all wrong..

In my thought I wrote the following on my journey home..

What exactly am I seeing when I see you that makes me think I require your acknowledgement? What of you do I see that makes me think you’re kind, well put together, healthy, genuine, whole?

Clearly I’m still delusional to think you are what I thought I saw.

You blinded me with your charm. Coloured my vision with you lies. Captivated all I knew and understood with your mess. And in this I believed you to be true. That’s what I saw. What I thought to be you. But that wasn’t you boo, it wasnt even me.

We were both lost. Neither of us knew our left from our right. Neither of us knew the shade of true love and yet we entered war.. assuming we would win each other over.. I saw my heart and love as enough to save you from yourself.. and you lead me to believe you would and could reciprocate it in excess. Blind leading the blind.. you wasnt what I was looking at, I was seeing what I wanted to see..

But I see you now. I see you. For who you really are. Sick, flawed, unwell, toxic, broken.. I see you. No malicious intent, no roots of bitterness. I’m not turning into a Angry Black Woman over this. When you come to mind I ask God to help you.. that’s all, help. But, in seeing you for you, I am released from expecting, released from requiring, released from disappointments.

It’s really not what you look at, but what you see…

Be encouraged

What Do You Have?? – Red Sea Faith

Exodus 14 tells us of the account of the Children of Israel having come out of 400 years of slavery and now in some what of a predicament. They had made camp on the side of the sea, during this time the heart of the king of Egypt was full of regret for having let them go in the first place and had gathered 600 of his choice chariots and men of war and were set to recover the Children of Israel.

The children of Israel seeing these men in chariots and horses were very afraid. So much so they turned on Moses and asked him why he had taken them out of Egypt in the first place. They asked him if there wasn’t any graves in Egypt for them to die in why he had taken them to die in a wilderness! Moses did his best to encourage them to stand still and see the salvation of God, but at the same time he turned is concerns to God.. I often think that he too must have seen the army coming, the mountains on either side and this HUGE sea in front of them.While telling the people of God to be calm I can imagine that his own heart must have been going a mile a minute wondering to himself “God.. what now??”

This is a common position for the believer. Feeling like we have no where to turn. We cant even go back, because of the evil that way. Many of us would never consider going back due to the people and lifestyle that occupy those paths.. Cant go left or right because there are mountains there. These represent large blockages, things that seem bigger than us, situations that seem to tower over us with an impenetrable presence. Fear.. Doubt.. Shame.. The Past.. you know the mountains I talk about. In front of you .. a Sea. This can often times represent things that would look to drown us, carry us away, sweep us off our feet.. for me this is things like emotions, perceptions etc. These things move and change and can be of silent but great force if allowed the freedom to do so. They were at what seemed like a dead end.

bible-archeology-red-sea-crossing

Sometimes we are come to these dead end places in our lives, just so that God can get our attention. Moses and the Children of Israel had no where else to look. The Children of Israel had followed Moses out of Egypt. He had been the instigator of this move being driven by God. Physically they had followed him out, hence why at the first sign of trouble (and often times in there 40 yrs of wondering) they turned to Moses and looked to blame him. But Moses, knowing his position had no where else but to turn, but to God.

Sometimes we too get reliant on individuals being there to lead us out of a situation that we forget that it is GOD who has called us, its GOD who has made all the promises to be there and help us, its GOD who has seen our end from our beginning.. Sometimes these dead end situations come where we have no where to look other than UP!

And the interesting thing about it. While Moses is looking up and looking for God to intervene – God is looking right back at Moses and asking him what he has in his hands.

You see sisters.. we are a finished work. Jesus uttered three words before He died on the cross.. It, Is, Finished. All that was needed to be done was done. This plan of redemption that was put in place before the foundation of the world (remember there are no surprises to God, so the fall of man from the Garden was not the start of the plan, just part of the plan). God hasn’t got anything more to be doing now. He’s finished. This situation was not a surprise to God for Him now to try and figure a way out for them.. Moses had this rod.. probably of no real significance to him – until now..!

God told him to stretch out the thing he already had in his possession. This is an example of the finished work of God. Our deliverance is often time in our own possession. That little pot of oil that the woman had in her house – likely she felt it was of no use, not what she needed being in debt and her sons about to be taken from her. It was of such little value that when she was asked what is in your house she said – nothing.

Sisters – the means to your deliverance is already in your possession. Often times its that thing we have been doing for years, that thing we do without thinking, that little praise that you have left in you, that verse of scripture that you have remembered from Sunday School that just turns up, the one and only verse of the song you know, even the one line of a song. The rod was not only for the deliverance of Moses, but the Children of Israel. The pot of oil the mother had didn’t only get her out of debt and save her the heart ache of loosing her children, but it saved the lives of her sons.. and buy selling the oil, she was making provision for others!!!!

If you have been brought to a situation – remember the work of Calvary is one that is completed. God is not watching you enter a situation and then having to try and figure things out, your deliverance is already at hand, its already present, its already available.

I will leave you with the same question the Prophet asked the woman.. and God asked Moses… what do you have!!??

 

 

Single Mother In Church

Please know that we love God too…

For many of us who have grown up in Apostolic, Pentecostal, Old School, Foot Stamping, Hat Wearing, Hand Clapping ( you get the picture) churches, we’ve listened to message after message about the backsliders, and the girls that left church “for a man”, the ones that trimmed their way to find love, having babies out of wedlock and many other saying and labels for how a woman became a single mother. And for many of us to now be that woman who is spoken of in not so favourable light is enough a burden to carry let alone all the other things that come along with being a single mother in this day and age. But God’s grace has been sufficient, so much to the point that we are here, we turn up, we came back.

Single mother in Zion.. not a biblical concept by any means but this is how we stand, we can never seem to detach for the single mother element of who we are. Like we are the ones who have made the mistake, and while others can repent and run on with no evidence of what they did and it just remains a “Me and Jesus” testimony, but not so for us, we can’t cover this. They are in Sunday School, well dressed and on time, they are collecting offering, proudly too. They are there, front row, tambourine and drum sticks at the ready, just waiting for the next lively chorus – they are a new life, guilt free and ready to go, but little do they know how much effort it took for mummy to be at church today.

The question remains, are we really accepted when we come back with buggy and baby? Are we forgiven by the fellowship? This is important.

We know that our actions cause pain to the body let alone God our Father, but often times there is a sense of un-forgiveness that lingers. Unspoken, Nonverbal, but very present. Almost as if we are to prove ourselves before we are accepted back into the fold.

You’d have to be a prodigal daughter to know what it feels like to come home, from years of vanity and pride. Yes, we all know what happened, but there seems to be a struggle to celebrate something that only exists as a result of a sinful act. Do I hang my head in shame forever, or am I free to quote the Psalmist David and confess that “The fruit of the womb is HIS reward? Can my child, born of a sinful act still be the reward of God?

Now while our Father is good to throw down and kill anything with a heartbeat to celebrate at the return of His child, here comes the brother/sister. You’d expect them to just be glad to see you home, but that’s not always the case. There are the quiet rumbles of – why? How comes she gets that? She does not deserve that! Not only is it a hard and scary thing to lone parent, but to also return to a church where my choice(s) (In the past, under the blood and in the sea of His forgetfulness mind you) are so frowned upon – and – the monument- nay testimony of those choices follows us to church every Sunday. We can’t hide what happened, we can’t even forget about it and pretend it never happened – we have to daily make a choice to accept that the blood of Jesus covers us too. That He loves us too. That He cares for us too.

Many of us put on a brave face for church along with the rest of the attire, and if asked we will tell you and swear blind we are fine. But the truth is while we are working full time, studying at night, trying to make ends meet, trying to ensure we don’t make a mess of our child’s life, keeping up with homework so the schools don’t complain, often time feeling inadequate for the tasks at hand, as well as trying to be at church on time and enough times to stop the speculations of you backsliding again, things can become very overwhelming. Oftentimes we would just appreciate someone celebrating the fact that we have turned up in one piece.

Saints, please appreciate that us who are single mothers of this day and age do not have it like you had it back in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s even the 80’s. You who can testify of leaving you children at home while you went to prayer meeting didn’t have the threat of neighbours who would call social services for you and you would return to a note telling you where to find your children. You lived as a unit, and a community, nowadays you can’t even leave your buggy outside your house while you unload your shopping without it being stolen (true story!), and as strange as my neighbours are I wouldn’t ask them to watch my goldfish let alone my children. These are VERY different times we live in – and honestly, its hard work.

Now we are not asking you to condone our choices. We are not even asking you to sign up to a babysitting contract, but we are asking you to be mindful of the fact that while we have made mistakes, we love Jesus too. We are not defined by our missing fathers, or struggles to keep up, we are hardworking and dedicated to providing the best for our children. We are in church and bring the testimonies to church. We are still here because we love God too. We are women and we are mothers – how we got there does not define who we are in Christ.

With Love

Sisters Daily x