He’s Acquainted with My Grief : Daddy Knows

So this year has been one of the hardest years I’ve had for some time. In fact it has been a tough could of years, however I am still here. Better for it all. I can say that now – had you asked me a few months a go I probably would have side-eyed you and walked away in a full on stink.. I was hurt. I apologise to anyone who got side-eyed.. My Bad!

In a moment of deep despair and sorrow – feeling a deep sense of rejection, disappointment and betrayal, God sent me words of comfort that no other voice could speak.

I had spoken to a few sisters about the period of life that I was in, and many had offered many kind words. Many encouraged me -some with scripture, some with positive words of affirmation, others just got angry and the cause of my hurt – some seemed more angry than I was… Goodness, I had to calm them down.. like breath sister…breath!  But that’s what you call friends.

But in all honesty, none of it was working. None of it. The hurt I was feeling had sunk deep into the pits and the core of my being a place no one can reach.

The words they were offering – while kind, and true and sweet to the taste – none of it was getting to the real core of my pain. The pain I was feeling was not something I had experienced before. I was feeling more than I would express in words. And nothing adds salt to the wounds than feeling hurt and having no one that you can run to to make it all better. I would tell God.. “you mean I have to sit here, in this, by myself?” It was totally distressing. Utterly mortifying to feel like no one really got the way that I was feeling. And because no one knew how I was feeling – no one could fix it. No one.

I’ve talked previously about how I struggle with abandonment and feelings of being alone. This was all of that and a bag of chips rolled up into one messy blubbering mess. literally – BUT GOD!

I sat at my desk on evening and I heard ; Surely He has bore our griefs. He is fully acquainted with your sorrow…

It was a simple statement. Again, I knew parts of the scripture, but I went to read it in full. Isaiah 53.

I read it once.. and I read it again. And I read it again. This scripture lays out the life of Jesus from an emotional point of view. While he was about doing miracles and preaching an so on – Jesus was still very much human. He came in the form of flesh just so he could associate with how we feel – isn’t that amazing. He did that on purpose – JUST so that in times of grief and sorrow we could turn to him because he knows exactly how we feel.

I read the passage and underlined all the things he had endured – each of them related with me – deeply and genuinely. I read it in a number of translations – and it was literally like reading my present situation point for point. Feelings of being despised, rejected, turned on, avoided, pierce, crushed, oppressed, beaten, tormented, unjustly condemned, struck down, buried like a criminal.. all these things I was feeling and felt that I was totally alone in this – totally alone. But I was wrong. God is fully acquainted with my grief.

I wish I could fully articulate how liberating it felt to know that everything I was feeling – God knew and was acquainted with. So when I cry and say

“Daddy it hurts.. I gave my all and they still hurt me” He says “I know baby, I came to give my life for them and they still beat me half to death.. I know”..

When I cry and say “Lord why..? I cant do this”.. I hear Him say “I know it hurts baby, I know.. I wanted the bitter cup to pass too, I know”..

When those that hurt me walk past me like nothing happened and did noting – and I ask God “why?” – He says “I know.. my own disciples rejected me and swore blind they didn’t know me..I know rejection..I know it well baby”

And its not a sympathetic..there there, never mind.. it’s a ..I’ve been there, I’ve felt that, I’m acquainted with it, I fully feel your pain..

I just wanted to remind someone today OR tell you that you are in no shape or terms alone in your grief. Some heart ache is more that just sadness, its full on grief and sorrow you are feeling. Know that your Father is FULLY acquainted with what it is you feel right now. Nothing you are feeling is strange to Him, noting. All those feelings that are tormenting you and the feelings that tell you that you are doing life in isolation is a lie.. there is someone who has walked this road before and is walking it with you right now.. You’re talking to someone who knows…

Today He says “I know baby.. Daddy knows.. ”

God knows

Isaiah 53 Who has believed our message
    and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
    and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
    nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by mankind,
    a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
    he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

Surely he took up our pain
    and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
    stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
    each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
    the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,
    yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
    and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
    so he did not open his mouth.
By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.
    Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
    for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]
He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
    and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
    nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
    and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
    and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered,
    he will see the light of life[d] and be satisfied[e];
by his knowledge[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
    and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,[g]
    and he will divide the spoils with the strong,[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
    and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
    and made intercession for the transgressors.

 

 

 

85yrs ago today..

Dear Daddy..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR..

85yrs ago today.. in a home in Manchester, Jamaica.. Hilda and John Morgan laid eyes on a miracle.

85yrs ago today someone truly amazing came into the world. 85 years ago today someone absolutely and categorically spectacular steped into this world.

Your parents probably had no idea of the impact you would have on this world. Probably a good thing that they didn’t, how would they handle such an amazing gift from God? One who would be a great child, who would turn into an amazing man, who turned into wonderful father and grandfather and later become the well seasoned Great Grandfather.. who knew!?

It’s your birthday, highly unlikely you’re aware, but thats ok.. it’s us who need to celebrate you.. I FaceTimed you to wish you a happy birthday.. always an entertaining experience as I dont think you get the concept. Pictures..that talk..and move..and I have to talk back too.. lol ..But to look at you.. looking at me.. I Bless God to be looking at you at the ripe age of 85 and not laying flowers at a grave side. Bless God forever!

Your eyes light up when you see Noah. You’ve always had a special bond with that one..

Sir, you’re simply amazing. You’re more than special, you’re more than unique. You are all man.. all gentleman..and all father.. I couldn’t have asked for a better person in my life.

Love you..

#VascularDementia

I forgot to ask about the fried dumplin’ !!

Daddy,

I forgot to ask about the fried dumplings..

Ive not tasted, seen or smelt any like yours in all my 31 years. Your fried dumplings make up some of my earliest memories and I cant believe I forgot to ask about them.. the smell, the taste, the texture..

How do you get them so perfectly golden on all sides..? No milk.. no butter but still the softest centre ever known.. how comes they never burn in the dutch pot.. the edges dont touch the pan but they too are just as perfectly golden as the rest..how do you do it?

Flour I have, water I have, salt I got.. but..  but it’s just not quite right..

Was it the time taken to kneed the dough.. maybe it was the perfect balance of water to flour or maybe it was just the perfect mix of you and anything you put your hands to that did it.. I’m going with the latter..

I figured out soup of many varieties.. stew peas.. curry goat.. I even started frying fish.. I know you’d be proud since I was adamant I would never. That was undeniably and categorically your job.. but I guess you cant now..

But Im gutted I never asked about the fried dumplings! That will be one culinary experience I cant pass down to my children. One the world will miss.

Till next time. X

#VascularDementia

I know you’re still in there..

A letter to my (Gran) Dad…

I know you’re still in there.

I can see it in your eyes. Your condition has you locked like a prisoner in your own body. Present and yet so absent, but I know you’re in there. The odd times you smile and remember who I am. I cherish each time you say my name. I know you’re still in there.

I’m sorry I force you to talk to me, almost nose to nose with you, invading your personal space.. I’m just making sure you’re still in there..

It pains me to see you like this.. now I know why you were such a story-teller. And would tell a story for the 20th time like it was brand new. Because God knew that, one day, a day like today..there would be no more stories.. well not that I can always make sense of..your stories now mix present with the past and make me stop and think.. but I guess it makes sense to you. You always want to know what shift Im on, or tell me about your urgent need to get to the office.. but I know you’re still in there.

My daddy, my friend.. I know you’re still in there..

#VascularDementia