I finally see you

Every day I go through my tube station.. walking roughly around 80mph.. rush hour and all, but I always slow my pace to read the notice board.. today was absolutely transformational, and so on point for me. It simply said:

“its not what you look at, it’s what you see”

My mind was now racing with thoughts of a current struggle I was having being ignored by my Narcissist Ex. If I’m honest, it’s been difficult to share any kind of space with him, and then for him to ignore my existence was leaving me shredded to bits each and every time. I was actually tempted to break no contact and contact him..asking him why he was ignoring me, if I had done something to offend him to the extent that he couldn’t even acknowledge me.. it was and has been torture for me.

But this humble statement echoed in my head and deeper. I realise I was seeing him all wrong. Still delusional to think he was well, and so expecting basic kindness from him. And these expectations were driving my disappointment and my despair..I was seeing this all wrong..

In my thought I wrote the following on my journey home..

What exactly am I seeing when I see you that makes me think I require your acknowledgement? What of you do I see that makes me think you’re kind, well put together, healthy, genuine, whole?

Clearly I’m still delusional to think you are what I thought I saw.

You blinded me with your charm. Coloured my vision with you lies. Captivated all I knew and understood with your mess. And in this I believed you to be true. That’s what I saw. What I thought to be you. But that wasn’t you boo, it wasnt even me.

We were both lost. Neither of us knew our left from our right. Neither of us knew the shade of true love and yet we entered war.. assuming we would win each other over.. I saw my heart and love as enough to save you from yourself.. and you lead me to believe you would and could reciprocate it in excess. Blind leading the blind.. you wasnt what I was looking at, I was seeing what I wanted to see..

But I see you now. I see you. For who you really are. Sick, flawed, unwell, toxic, broken.. I see you. No malicious intent, no roots of bitterness. I’m not turning into a Angry Black Woman over this. When you come to mind I ask God to help you.. that’s all, help. But, in seeing you for you, I am released from expecting, released from requiring, released from disappointments.

It’s really not what you look at, but what you see…

Be encouraged

Fear and self control

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgement and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].
2 TIMOTHY 1:7 AMP
https://bible.com/verse-of-the-day/2ti.1.7/718

This week I went on a road trip with my two boys.. and I came back with a lot more than pictures.

I have two boys, who in age are around 5yrs apart and in character are complete polar opposites. My eldest is very calm, an observant individual, happy not to speak unless it means something to him or if spoken to. He’s wondering into his teenage yrs so his temperament fluctuates like the wind. At times he seems SO miserable that its actually hard to be around him as he is just so dismissive, and resistant to any form of engagement…

My youngest, he’s 7 and just happy to be alive. He is warm, affectionate, close, engaging, nooooon stop talking. He needs engagements from the moment he wakes to the moment he sleeps. This could be an age thing, but he’s always been this way..

Polar opposites. Mothering both of them has had its challenges. I’ve had to master the skill of looking after both spectrums at once.. one who wont start and one who wont stop. One who doesn’t want to be looked at and one who wont stop till you lock eyes with him. One who laughs with passion and depth.. and the other.. who almost seems afraid to let you see him smile. It can be quite difficult as I can’t engage with them the same but I must and need to engage.

This week I realized that my children are a direct expression of my character.. or maybe that should be characterS…plural..and how hard it must be to manage and be with me.

I recall conversations with my ex. He would tell me how hard I was to be with. How hard it was to anticipate and gage where I would emotionally or mentally be at any given moment. He once told me he that he’d rather not spend money on me if I was in one of my moods. He hated that I could run from one pole to another at any given moment..and he never knew who and or what to expect.

This week it registered just how difficult this must have been.. through my children I was seeing me.. the warm and tender me and the.. well.. not so warm and tender.. and it stopped me in my tracks..

I had to bring this to God. He opened my eyes, and I just didn’t know what to do with what I was seeing. I immediately went to God for help. Help with my emotions. The fact that I seem to swing like some uncontrollable pendulum from pillar to post.. no warning.. just swinging. It’s not good.. not safe.. not nice..

I had to ask God for help! And help He did. 2 Tim 1:7. Tells me that God hasn’t give me the spirit of fear, but power, love and a SOUND MIND. Another version talks of a Well-Balanced mind and Self-Control … basically.. NON-PENDULUM-LIKE-NESS-NESS…!

I had to start by thanking God for being kind enough to expose my issues. He’s a good father. Secondly, I asked him to remove the core emotions of fear that demonstrate and manifest themselves in my pendulum like ways. I asked God to help me.. help me be more balanced. Help me to have some self-control. Father help me not to be such a pendulum.. all this swinging around cant be healthy or helpful..

Adoption…

So, I’m going to start this blog with a confession.

I do not understand the concept of Father… Not so much how one becomes a father, or the biological relation between two people that makes one of them a father. Growing up without my father has left me a little.. estranged.. from this concept of father.

I remember going for prayer at my home church and being encouraged to “talk to God like my father”. I did what I was there to do, and I prayed – in no particular or different way to the usual way I approached God in prayer. I recall going home and going over this statement – like a father – and I came to the conclusion that I have no clue what the pastor was on about. To do something like something else would take the need to know what that something else is in the first place. Ask me to quack like a duck, that I can do because I am familiar with ducks, and what sound they make, so I can do that – but, I don’t know father..

I’ve watched many interact with their fathers and I’ve heard many talk of their special bond and relationships with their fathers. Socially growing up hearing statements like “daddy’s little girl” and “daddy’s little princess”, but none I can resonate with, I’m not familiar with father.

I’ve been brought up by a man who I love dearly, who I call Daddy, who took me under his Dumplin’ kneading, Salt Fish frying, Bread Pudding baking arms and raised me as his own. However, there was a reminder – somewhat constant, that he – despite his love and care and dedication to me, was not my father – I am not familiar with father.

This I found a challenge in my spiritual life. I see God as God, and I see God as Sovereign, Lord, Creator, King, Judge, Ruler.. all these dominant, strong, overarching somewhat distant figures .. but there is heart to the word father that you do not get with the others, a different connection, a sense of belonging and relationship, a connection and relation. But, I struggle, because I just don’t have that natural relational connection in me to then turn to God in the same (or similar) way. I dont even know if that’s the point.. I am just not familiar with father…

SO…  I decided to stick a pin in it as it was winding me up ever so slightly – I moved on to something else.. Adoption! This I can become familiar with.. this I can do!  I sat with my King James Concordance Bible – Yes I’m old school. Looked up the word ADOPTION and read every scripture – over and over and over. I can become familiar with adoption.

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I went through a time of wanting to adopt a cat. I went to my local animal welfare trust and spent many weekends looking at cat after cat after cat. I never ended that process of getting one, but this process reminded me of this process of Spiritual Adoption. The adoption process is one of choice ultimately. It’s about saying –  you don’t belong to me, but I choose to make you mine. It’s about seeing what you want, and deciding to make it yours. Often times there is a chance to find out about said “thing”.. good, bad and in-between, and still, having known all about this “thing” deciding – yes – I will take this one! Where as being born to a man and him having no choice but to be called a father by default, this adoption process is about choice – I choose to do this! My own father made the choice not to do this, something I didn’t think he had choice to do.. lo and behold he found some and boy has he exercised it..

In my next few blogs I will take you through my journey and share how I have become familiar with and settled with the line of Adoption. While I still know God to be Father, for me to establish that parent-child like relationship with God that allows me to be more dependant on Him like a child would to a parent, I need to get there, and this seems to be my route into relationship that’s not so distant.

See you next time where my first scripture will be from Ezekiel 16: 8 … go read it!

Ok, I’ll be nice and quote it for you:

 “When I passed by you again, I looked at you, and noticed that it was your proper time for love. I spread my cloak over you to cover your nakedness. I made a solemn promise to you and entered into a covenant with you,” declares the Lord GOD. “You belong to me”

That’s the International Standard Version. The King James Version put it this way, and I will explain why this version hit home with me more next time:

“Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine”

See you soon. x

 

Peace Beyond Your Understanding

Philippians 4:7 (NIV) says this: And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

What exactly is peace? This is a freedom from disturbance, tranquillity. I love that – freedom from disturbance. So much mental interference and disturbance in life, we are at peace when we are indeed free from it – and enter into a place of tranquillity.

Often time I get into situations where my understanding of things cloud my ability to see God for who He really is and leaves me in quite a state. It’s not that the situation is not real, or what I am feeling is not true, but I neglect to priorities and focus on what matters most, which is that God has sent peace to transcend – to pass and go beyond – what it is that I am feeling or I understand to be true at that point in time, and it’s this peace that guards your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

Things happen, and will always be happening. That’s a given. Some of those things will be easier to manage than others. Then there are those other things that come as if they were sent on a military assignment with your name and address on just to take you out. This is life, its a journey, some mountains, some plains, some valleys, but we know that there is a peace that God has given to us that goes beyond that.

It’s not even like God is trying to challenge what you are feeling or your understanding of a situation. If you are sick, you are sick and that is your understanding of the situation at hand. But the peace of God goes over and above that. Your feeling low and seem to be followed around by a dark cloud – that is how you feel and God is not looking to challenge that, but He is looking to transcend all of that and cover it with a peace. This kind of peace can only come from God.

It’s only the peace of God that can allow you to look into the storm and smile anyway. It’s only the peace of God that can allow you to look at your life and it seems like everything you prayed didn’t happen to you – is happening – but you still have peace. Indeed this goes beyond understanding for sure as it often makes NO sense what so ever, but this is the thing about the gifts of God – they are from The Super-Natural God… The Immortal, Invisible God, The God of Eternity.. there is bound to be something a little extra special about them. Que Marks and Spencer advert music.. this is no ordinary peace…this is God’s Peace!

It’s this peace that will guard your heart and mind – how? By allowing you to rest – care free in the arms of God. The peace of God guards your heart and mind from things that would otherwise cause disturbance – things like doubt, and fear, and guilt, and shame, and condemnation…. and all these thoughts (the mind) and feelings (the heart) that look to do nothing but disturb the tranquillity that God’s peace brings.

Remember when Jesus was on the boat – asleep….on a pillow…..Real comfy right! LOL – Meanwhile while there was a major storm going on. Everyone was being disturbed in both heart and mind about this storm, likely they were fearing for their life at this point, but Jesus slept, only to be woken by these disturbed men asking Jesus “don’t you even care if we drown?” (Mark 4:35-41). The scripture goes on to tell us that He spoke to the storm – and told it to be still, and immediately, much to their amazement, it obeyed and was still.

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This is the peace that we can have. That even though we are going through something that has the potential to take our life we have the peace of God that is able to silence the disturbance and bring about a calm and tranquillity to both hart – how we feel and mind – what we think.

Now the men’s understanding of the situation was not wrong.. it wasn’t a little drizzle, it was a fierce storm, so much so they believed they would die! I would never look to challenge what a person is feeling. If that’s their understanding and how a situation feels to them – then that’s what it is. My encouragement is to remember that the greater one, the same one that spoke to the storm and told it to be still lives in you. You have the ability to sleep on your pillow in the midst of the storm, and if you decide you’re going to tell it where to go you have the power and authority to do so. Sometimes we have to face the storm and tell it to HUSH UP!

Much love and PEACE! X