Fear and self control

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgement and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].
2 TIMOTHY 1:7 AMP
https://bible.com/verse-of-the-day/2ti.1.7/718

This week I went on a road trip with my two boys.. and I came back with a lot more than pictures.

I have two boys, who in age are around 5yrs apart and in character are complete polar opposites. My eldest is very calm, an observant individual, happy not to speak unless it means something to him or if spoken to. He’s wondering into his teenage yrs so his temperament fluctuates like the wind. At times he seems SO miserable that its actually hard to be around him as he is just so dismissive, and resistant to any form of engagement…

My youngest, he’s 7 and just happy to be alive. He is warm, affectionate, close, engaging, nooooon stop talking. He needs engagements from the moment he wakes to the moment he sleeps. This could be an age thing, but he’s always been this way..

Polar opposites. Mothering both of them has had its challenges. I’ve had to master the skill of looking after both spectrums at once.. one who wont start and one who wont stop. One who doesn’t want to be looked at and one who wont stop till you lock eyes with him. One who laughs with passion and depth.. and the other.. who almost seems afraid to let you see him smile. It can be quite difficult as I can’t engage with them the same but I must and need to engage.

This week I realized that my children are a direct expression of my character.. or maybe that should be characterS…plural..and how hard it must be to manage and be with me.

I recall conversations with my ex. He would tell me how hard I was to be with. How hard it was to anticipate and gage where I would emotionally or mentally be at any given moment. He once told me he that he’d rather not spend money on me if I was in one of my moods. He hated that I could run from one pole to another at any given moment..and he never knew who and or what to expect.

This week it registered just how difficult this must have been.. through my children I was seeing me.. the warm and tender me and the.. well.. not so warm and tender.. and it stopped me in my tracks..

I had to bring this to God. He opened my eyes, and I just didn’t know what to do with what I was seeing. I immediately went to God for help. Help with my emotions. The fact that I seem to swing like some uncontrollable pendulum from pillar to post.. no warning.. just swinging. It’s not good.. not safe.. not nice..

I had to ask God for help! And help He did. 2 Tim 1:7. Tells me that God hasn’t give me the spirit of fear, but power, love and a SOUND MIND. Another version talks of a Well-Balanced mind and Self-Control … basically.. NON-PENDULUM-LIKE-NESS-NESS…!

I had to start by thanking God for being kind enough to expose my issues. He’s a good father. Secondly, I asked him to remove the core emotions of fear that demonstrate and manifest themselves in my pendulum like ways. I asked God to help me.. help me be more balanced. Help me to have some self-control. Father help me not to be such a pendulum.. all this swinging around cant be healthy or helpful..