I finally see you

Every day I go through my tube station.. walking roughly around 80mph.. rush hour and all, but I always slow my pace to read the notice board.. today was absolutely transformational, and so on point for me. It simply said:

“its not what you look at, it’s what you see”

My mind was now racing with thoughts of a current struggle I was having being ignored by my Narcissist Ex. If I’m honest, it’s been difficult to share any kind of space with him, and then for him to ignore my existence was leaving me shredded to bits each and every time. I was actually tempted to break no contact and contact him..asking him why he was ignoring me, if I had done something to offend him to the extent that he couldn’t even acknowledge me.. it was and has been torture for me.

But this humble statement echoed in my head and deeper. I realise I was seeing him all wrong. Still delusional to think he was well, and so expecting basic kindness from him. And these expectations were driving my disappointment and my despair..I was seeing this all wrong..

In my thought I wrote the following on my journey home..

What exactly am I seeing when I see you that makes me think I require your acknowledgement? What of you do I see that makes me think you’re kind, well put together, healthy, genuine, whole?

Clearly I’m still delusional to think you are what I thought I saw.

You blinded me with your charm. Coloured my vision with you lies. Captivated all I knew and understood with your mess. And in this I believed you to be true. That’s what I saw. What I thought to be you. But that wasn’t you boo, it wasnt even me.

We were both lost. Neither of us knew our left from our right. Neither of us knew the shade of true love and yet we entered war.. assuming we would win each other over.. I saw my heart and love as enough to save you from yourself.. and you lead me to believe you would and could reciprocate it in excess. Blind leading the blind.. you wasnt what I was looking at, I was seeing what I wanted to see..

But I see you now. I see you. For who you really are. Sick, flawed, unwell, toxic, broken.. I see you. No malicious intent, no roots of bitterness. I’m not turning into a Angry Black Woman over this. When you come to mind I ask God to help you.. that’s all, help. But, in seeing you for you, I am released from expecting, released from requiring, released from disappointments.

It’s really not what you look at, but what you see…

Be encouraged

The Power in Perspective Pt2

So part two of my thoughts on perspective

Part two will hopefully encourage you to take control of the situations you face by becoming more self aware and in control. Often times we allow life to happen to us as if we have little to no control of the situations. Life happens – that’s a given. Scripture says the rain falls on the just AND the unjust (Mth 5:45) meaning that none of us a exempt from trials and just life .. However, the power is in how we choose to go through it.

I often times think of Job and all he suffered in an instant – unknown to him – God and the Devil were having a good old talk about him before anything started going wrong for him. To top it all off – this wasn’t like when God sent the plagues to Egypt because of the hardened hart of Pharaoh – God was actually boasting about Job and how good he is and STILL allowed the Devil to mess up his life to the extent that he was left with nothing..

Often time our perspective would lead us to think that God is full on out to get us. Just out lurking with pit falls and fog and anything else that would make our lives difficult – but this is the total opposite of what The Father is trying to do. Lets look at some examples:

John 9:1-12 tells us of a man who was born blind and the encounter he had with Jesus. Jesus was about his business as per usual and he encounters this blind man. His disciples ask him “who sinned why he was born blind, his mother or father?”. Jesus’s answer offers a different perspective in verse 3 :  Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Here we see one situation. Two perspectives. The disciples had one, Jesus had another. The disciples wanted to know who was to blame for this terrible thing that this man had endured all his life. They were looking for someone to blame as to why this thing had happened. They were concerned about they WHY of the situation. Don’t most of us get stuck in the Why of a matter. See the different perspective from Jesus – He was more concerned about the WHAT of this situation. What was the reason for this whole orchestrated encounter – simply that the works of God might be displayed through him. See the difference

Another example. Lazarus. In John 11 we see the account of a friend of Jesus being reported to be sick. The bible accounts that this man was close to Jesus. Mary says to him “the one you love”.. just in case He was getting his friends and Lazarus’ mixed up. In verse four we get the perspective of Jesus “When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby”. Here we have a perspective. Now this didn’t change the situation. It didn’t even change the initial outcome of the friend dying – however we see the power of perspective. Look at Jesus’s reaction – He actually stayed where He was for another two days. Not shaken – not even stirred.

Now we could say He wasn’t shaken because He knew what He was going to do – how would you expect me to have such grounding without knowledge of how things are going to end? I’m glad you asked – this is where we have to train our faith.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen we are told (Heb 11:1). It’s what the unknown and unseen are made up from – Faith. Scripture tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. another version talks of an expected end. Here very clearly we see the outline – start to finish of God’s heart and mind towards us. He makes it very clear that he has an expected end. He has a glory at the end for us. His thoughts towards us are GOOD. He has no ill thought or plan for our lives. And this is the rock we need to anchor our perspective in.

Many things have happened to me and often times I stopped to wonder why? Like I didn’t pray, or fast, or read my bible. Like I don’t sever in church, pay my tithes, give my offering. Like I’ve not suffered enough.. that’s one perspective. To consider life as one BIG episode of Total Wipeout where the aim is to Take-Me-Out.. and God is the one releasing all the water and foam and BIG balls just to make it difficult. Or, I could ask God “what is it you want from me and or my life via this? Since your thoughts towards me are good..and in aims of bringing me to an expected end – what (not why) is this in aims of”?

You my dear have to make the decision to taken another stance. Now I am not asking you to put on a pair of sunglasses and pretend like life isn’t happening – because it is – whether you want to see it or not. But what I am suggesting to you is that you take a moment to think before reacting. Lets not forget – Jesus still cried when He got to the grave of the friend who He loved – even with full knowledge of what He was going to do – so I am not taking that away from you. I’m suggesting a different perspective. You actually have the power and choice to do things differently.

Having your thoughts anchored in such a truth (and there are may more like it) allows you to steady your reactions. Like Jesus – asleep on the boat despite the storm. Just because Jesus was there, didn’t stop the storm – but the storm didn’t bother him. It’s a choice you have to and can make.. to choose another perspective.

Much love xxx

 

He’s Acquainted with My Grief : Daddy Knows

So this year has been one of the hardest years I’ve had for some time. In fact it has been a tough could of years, however I am still here. Better for it all. I can say that now – had you asked me a few months a go I probably would have side-eyed you and walked away in a full on stink.. I was hurt. I apologise to anyone who got side-eyed.. My Bad!

In a moment of deep despair and sorrow – feeling a deep sense of rejection, disappointment and betrayal, God sent me words of comfort that no other voice could speak.

I had spoken to a few sisters about the period of life that I was in, and many had offered many kind words. Many encouraged me -some with scripture, some with positive words of affirmation, others just got angry and the cause of my hurt – some seemed more angry than I was… Goodness, I had to calm them down.. like breath sister…breath!  But that’s what you call friends.

But in all honesty, none of it was working. None of it. The hurt I was feeling had sunk deep into the pits and the core of my being a place no one can reach.

The words they were offering – while kind, and true and sweet to the taste – none of it was getting to the real core of my pain. The pain I was feeling was not something I had experienced before. I was feeling more than I would express in words. And nothing adds salt to the wounds than feeling hurt and having no one that you can run to to make it all better. I would tell God.. “you mean I have to sit here, in this, by myself?” It was totally distressing. Utterly mortifying to feel like no one really got the way that I was feeling. And because no one knew how I was feeling – no one could fix it. No one.

I’ve talked previously about how I struggle with abandonment and feelings of being alone. This was all of that and a bag of chips rolled up into one messy blubbering mess. literally – BUT GOD!

I sat at my desk on evening and I heard ; Surely He has bore our griefs. He is fully acquainted with your sorrow…

It was a simple statement. Again, I knew parts of the scripture, but I went to read it in full. Isaiah 53.

I read it once.. and I read it again. And I read it again. This scripture lays out the life of Jesus from an emotional point of view. While he was about doing miracles and preaching an so on – Jesus was still very much human. He came in the form of flesh just so he could associate with how we feel – isn’t that amazing. He did that on purpose – JUST so that in times of grief and sorrow we could turn to him because he knows exactly how we feel.

I read the passage and underlined all the things he had endured – each of them related with me – deeply and genuinely. I read it in a number of translations – and it was literally like reading my present situation point for point. Feelings of being despised, rejected, turned on, avoided, pierce, crushed, oppressed, beaten, tormented, unjustly condemned, struck down, buried like a criminal.. all these things I was feeling and felt that I was totally alone in this – totally alone. But I was wrong. God is fully acquainted with my grief.

I wish I could fully articulate how liberating it felt to know that everything I was feeling – God knew and was acquainted with. So when I cry and say

“Daddy it hurts.. I gave my all and they still hurt me” He says “I know baby, I came to give my life for them and they still beat me half to death.. I know”..

When I cry and say “Lord why..? I cant do this”.. I hear Him say “I know it hurts baby, I know.. I wanted the bitter cup to pass too, I know”..

When those that hurt me walk past me like nothing happened and did noting – and I ask God “why?” – He says “I know.. my own disciples rejected me and swore blind they didn’t know me..I know rejection..I know it well baby”

And its not a sympathetic..there there, never mind.. it’s a ..I’ve been there, I’ve felt that, I’m acquainted with it, I fully feel your pain..

I just wanted to remind someone today OR tell you that you are in no shape or terms alone in your grief. Some heart ache is more that just sadness, its full on grief and sorrow you are feeling. Know that your Father is FULLY acquainted with what it is you feel right now. Nothing you are feeling is strange to Him, noting. All those feelings that are tormenting you and the feelings that tell you that you are doing life in isolation is a lie.. there is someone who has walked this road before and is walking it with you right now.. You’re talking to someone who knows…

Today He says “I know baby.. Daddy knows.. ”

God knows

Isaiah 53 Who has believed our message
    and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
    and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
    nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by mankind,
    a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
    he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

Surely he took up our pain
    and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
    stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
    each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
    the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,
    yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
    and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
    so he did not open his mouth.
By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.
    Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
    for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]
He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
    and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
    nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
    and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
    and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered,
    he will see the light of life[d] and be satisfied[e];
by his knowledge[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
    and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,[g]
    and he will divide the spoils with the strong,[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
    and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
    and made intercession for the transgressors.

 

 

 

There is a stream

Isaiah 40:1 Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God

There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. (Psalms 46:4)

There is a stream that makes glad the city of God. The Psalmist goes on to say that “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early”

These are two of the scriptures that I have up on my wall. A constant reminder that I am not alone. I often have this overwhelming feeling of feeling like I am fighting this battle of life alone. Pouring out in so many directions but having very little coming back in. Feeling like an emotional ATM Machine, people turning up, making withdraws – often where they didn’t even make any deposits – eventually leaving me in the red. It seems to be a constant cycle I am in. (I’m working on it!)

But I am encouraged to know that there is a River…!

Looking at the purpose and functions of a stream:

  • Brings food to the city
  • Means of transport
  • Source of life to the land and its inhabitants
  • Cleaning and Cleansing

This stream is very much in the midst of us. Providing support, food, life to us at all times. We are not alone and we have not been left without – the streams make glad the city of God.

Psalms 1:3 tells of the benefits of being by this river “and he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper”

This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord. We have the privilege of being planted by the rivers. We have access to the substance we need when we remain by the river. The healthiest and greenest of trees are the ones you find beside the river.

There is a stream …

 

 

 

20/20 Vision

Matthew 9: 27-31

In this scripture tells a story of Jesus healing two blind men. Jesus in his ministry seems very interested in healing the blind.

Our natural sight is a every important part of our senses. Have you ever been walking and something gets in your eye. Automatically you STOP. Why? because your body knows you are in automatic and sudden danger if you can no longer see where you are going. Your eyes allow insight to your surroundings. Providing information to your brain that will allow it to make decisions for your next action. Even with limited vision, you don’t walk with assurance or strength, because your mind knows you’ve not acquired 100% of the information needed to make an informed decision about what to do next. Sight is very important. Often time our progress is limited by impaired sight.

You can be near sighted. This means that you are able to see things that are close to you, near to you, but you are unable to see clearly the things that are a far off. You can also be farsighted. This is when you are able to see things that are further way, in the distance, but you are unable to make out thing that are close to you. 20/20 vision is where you are able to clearly comprehend both near and far.

As in the natural – so in the Spiritual.

Sometimes we get into positions where our Spiritual Sight is somewhat impaired. We can be become Spiritually Near Sighted – we are content and see clearly the things that are near to us. We can see the current things that are in front of us, but we are unable to comprehend the things that are a far off.. We find it difficult to see whats coming. God has said He will do it, but we just can’t see it.

Abram (at the time) in Genesis 12 was called by God and was told by God Himself that he was going to make him a great nation. He was going to make one man.. an entire nation! This promise was repeated several times to Abram in dreams and in visions. In Chapter 15 you see Abram’s Nearsightedness. He talks of the steward of his house having a child and that, that child would be his heir. Abram had heard the promise and attributed it to the child he could see. (Chap 15:2+3). Abram had, had no child of his own, but was looking for a child, and could only see the on in his house, he was unable to see the one that God had spoken of which was a far off. Seeing this God specifies to Abram that the child he was looking for was to be from his own seed. So this clarifies what Abram is looking for a little more. However, still childless, still near sighted, and now 100 , he and his wife agree he would take Hagar and have a child. While this fulfilled the fact that it was Abram’s seed, this was still not the promised child.

They were able to comprehend the now, but were not able to see the future. It wasn’t until the promise had been shared with Sarah that the penny dropped – they understood exactly what they were looking for and indeed at. While it seemed laughable – it was clear how this child was to come and exactly who it was coming by.

Often times we lack 20/20 vision, we are unable to see the blessing and provision of God because we are too busy worrying about the future. Or, we are so consumed with all that we are currently in that we are not able to have faith to see things that are still a far off. Working hard for the now with no thought for the future or the bigger picture.

God has a predefined plan for all of us, but our sight is very important to the success of the mission we are on. Just like Abram, often times because we cant see it we take matters into our own hand. I don’t think we mean to mess up the plan, but we in our limited sight simply can not comprehend something because we have no sight of it. We are on a mission for God and require the right vision and sight to be able to walk this journey correctly.

We like the men who were blind need to have the mind to ask for and have faith for our sight.

Prayer:

Lord, I ask that you would indeed touch our eyes and that according to our faith, that we would receive our sight to clearly comprehend all that you are. God of the now and God of the future. that we would not become consumed with the present, or the future to the point where we loose focus and correct perception of where we are. Ultimately Lord, help us to keep our eyes on you – Captain of our Soul, Author of our Faith – Amen.

Keep Your Eyes On God

Where are your eyes? Often time the things we see go on to affect our subsequent action. It’s important that we as believers have a grip on what and where our focus is.

To be focused is to keep our attention on Him.

Matthew 14:24-31 KJV

But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.  And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.  And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.  But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.  And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.  And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.  But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.  And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?”

A good place to put your eyes and focus: Psalms 121:1-2 KJV I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.  My help cometh from the Lord , which made heaven and earth.

The benefits of keeping your focus on God, He’s the only one with insights into your future. Jeremiah 29:11 KJV For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord , thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

When you face trials it can be very easy, in fact too easy as its a natural human reaction to be fixated on what seems like the greater power – the problem. But God’s words provide us with the assurance we need to make a choice to focus on God who has all power.Job 23:10 KJV But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

If you wanted to know the ins and outs of a story, who better to talk to than the actual author. God has predestined every aspect of our lives to the finest details. He has planned orchestrated our life in His wisdom and love. So who better to focus on and follow than God? He knows how the story ends.. #spoileralert WE WIN! Hebrews 12:2 KJV “Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith”

Life is full of distractions, often the aim of which is to plant our aims and hopes in a feeble, lesser power that will ultimately fail us. The enemy knows the power we would possess and the benefits we would obtain from just having MUSTARD SEED size faith in God.

Try Looking Away From:

– Yourself; beauty,  humanity,  skills, talent, own abilities. Prov 14:12 reminds us that; “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death” Each of us would have our preferred method of doing things, a way that makes sense to us. But we all need to take account of the fact that we are on a journey, one that has a very particular route that we are require to keep to if we want to make it to the promise land. It’s not really about us, but what it is that God would have us do at all times. Not my will!

-Man : expectations of another humans: Jeremiah 17:5-8 , “Thus saith the Lord ; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord .  For he shall be like the heath in the desert, and shall not see when good cometh; but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land and not inhabited.  Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord , and whose hope the Lord is.  For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit” The scripture goes on to talk about how wicked the heart can be and that it cant be trusted. Often times we assume others intentions towards us are good and would want the best for us, but this is not always the case. Again, who better to trust than your creator.
-Alternatives: stop looking for everyone else and everything else. People in the 3rd world and deprived nations only have God,  which is why they seemingly receive so much from God. They literally have no other helper. They have no plan B, they have no back-up plan, they have no other person to call other than Jesus. This is trusting the Lord with ALL your heart. Not looking at or even considering others, simply  looking unto Jesus (Hebrews 12.2)

-The situation/ environment : the winds the waves, the fire. Refuse and Reject anxiety,  worried, fears. He that keepeth Israel neither slubers or sleeps. (Ps 120) He is very much aware of where you are and what you face.

-Looking back… God is Ahead!
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before. Philippians 3:13.

My friend.. the wind will blow.. the storms will rage..life at times will flip you upside down. But its ok. This is life.. it’s not an all inclusive life time holiday in the Bahamas. The aim is to be presented back to God, having been born in sin, as pure gold. This is going to take some rough and tumble, some heat, some pain, some pressing, but keep your eyes on the end goal, be assured that God has got you. Be confident that He is ever present and He knows what He is doing!

Peace Beyond Your Understanding

Philippians 4:7 (NIV) says this: And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

What exactly is peace? This is a freedom from disturbance, tranquillity. I love that – freedom from disturbance. So much mental interference and disturbance in life, we are at peace when we are indeed free from it – and enter into a place of tranquillity.

Often time I get into situations where my understanding of things cloud my ability to see God for who He really is and leaves me in quite a state. It’s not that the situation is not real, or what I am feeling is not true, but I neglect to priorities and focus on what matters most, which is that God has sent peace to transcend – to pass and go beyond – what it is that I am feeling or I understand to be true at that point in time, and it’s this peace that guards your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

Things happen, and will always be happening. That’s a given. Some of those things will be easier to manage than others. Then there are those other things that come as if they were sent on a military assignment with your name and address on just to take you out. This is life, its a journey, some mountains, some plains, some valleys, but we know that there is a peace that God has given to us that goes beyond that.

It’s not even like God is trying to challenge what you are feeling or your understanding of a situation. If you are sick, you are sick and that is your understanding of the situation at hand. But the peace of God goes over and above that. Your feeling low and seem to be followed around by a dark cloud – that is how you feel and God is not looking to challenge that, but He is looking to transcend all of that and cover it with a peace. This kind of peace can only come from God.

It’s only the peace of God that can allow you to look into the storm and smile anyway. It’s only the peace of God that can allow you to look at your life and it seems like everything you prayed didn’t happen to you – is happening – but you still have peace. Indeed this goes beyond understanding for sure as it often makes NO sense what so ever, but this is the thing about the gifts of God – they are from The Super-Natural God… The Immortal, Invisible God, The God of Eternity.. there is bound to be something a little extra special about them. Que Marks and Spencer advert music.. this is no ordinary peace…this is God’s Peace!

It’s this peace that will guard your heart and mind – how? By allowing you to rest – care free in the arms of God. The peace of God guards your heart and mind from things that would otherwise cause disturbance – things like doubt, and fear, and guilt, and shame, and condemnation…. and all these thoughts (the mind) and feelings (the heart) that look to do nothing but disturb the tranquillity that God’s peace brings.

Remember when Jesus was on the boat – asleep….on a pillow…..Real comfy right! LOL – Meanwhile while there was a major storm going on. Everyone was being disturbed in both heart and mind about this storm, likely they were fearing for their life at this point, but Jesus slept, only to be woken by these disturbed men asking Jesus “don’t you even care if we drown?” (Mark 4:35-41). The scripture goes on to tell us that He spoke to the storm – and told it to be still, and immediately, much to their amazement, it obeyed and was still.

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This is the peace that we can have. That even though we are going through something that has the potential to take our life we have the peace of God that is able to silence the disturbance and bring about a calm and tranquillity to both hart – how we feel and mind – what we think.

Now the men’s understanding of the situation was not wrong.. it wasn’t a little drizzle, it was a fierce storm, so much so they believed they would die! I would never look to challenge what a person is feeling. If that’s their understanding and how a situation feels to them – then that’s what it is. My encouragement is to remember that the greater one, the same one that spoke to the storm and told it to be still lives in you. You have the ability to sleep on your pillow in the midst of the storm, and if you decide you’re going to tell it where to go you have the power and authority to do so. Sometimes we have to face the storm and tell it to HUSH UP!

Much love and PEACE! X