More Waiting…

Father God enough with the waiting already..

I’m going to be honest with you. This season of waiting is not being kind to me.. not in the slightest… Lord and if the tables haven’t turned on me in the last 7 days, I’m not sure what else was happening.

Those who follow know I’m single. And you’ve probably established that I’m trying to raise two young boys. The eldest has approached that pre-teen age and I’m again going to be honest.. this male-pre-teen thing is noooo joke! Sis, Bro, Mam, SIR.. I’ve no clue what version of human will emerge from his room each morning.. I’ve got to learn a whole new language “mumble”.. and like me he has no tolerance for repeating himself, but my boy does not know that I don’t speak mumble.. Any tutors in the house.. come find me please..! An off tangent entrance into my post, but just to add to the waiting, I’m being forced to navigate this new man child of mines… Father help me!

Anyway. I say that to say this.. I need help.

I often talk to God – indirectly about my marital position and how it impacts my sons as a plea to getting Him to send me some help. I was raised in a house of females. The only male I had was my grandfather and he is currently in a home with Vascular Dementia and so isn’t in a position to mentor or show them “man”.. I clearly have no clue what it means to be a “man” and so I look to God and ask him to please send me some help in raising these two boys.

I have a fear of them learning how to deal and navigate life from me – a highly emotional female. And as a result of my fears I know I have a tendency to be emotionally neutral even cold just so they don’t think that bursting into tears is the correct way to react to everything. Wrong, right, in-between.. I don’t really know. But I genuinely, at times, have no clue what else I am supposed to do. I also do not want them growing up thinking that this way of life – single mother blah blah blah is normal or what they should expect from life. I honestly feel that children are both products of what they are told and what they see. It’s harder for you to recreate something you have no knowledge of, and I am desperate to correct their version of “normal”..

In the midst of all these thoughts and feelings – this weekend I have been literally bombarded with message after message about “waiting”… You know when God is trying to tell you something and it seems like every message, every scripture eeeeeeeeeerrrrrbody is talking about Waiting.. And not just waiting – waiting well.

Sunday – Pastor skimmed past a scripture in part of his sermon. Numbers 9:15-23.

This scripture talks of the activity and inactivity of the pillar of fire by night and the cloud by day that was with the Children of Israel. This pillar/cloud was their Sat-Nav. When it moved, they moved. When it stopped, they stopped. The scripture expounded on this for us going into different spans of time. If it stopped for a day, they stopped for a day. A month, then a month it was. If it was a year, then they were still… no movement.. no journeying for a year. If the pillar/cloud didn’t move – neither did they. Verse 20: when the cloud was still for a few days, according to the commandment of the Lord they rested in their tents and didn’t move. The stillness – the no movement was a commandment, a strict instruction not to move..

We are talking about the Omniscient God – All knowing

Towards the end of Exodus they were told where they were going. Into a promise land. A promise made many… many… maaaaanny years ago – but this was all they had to hinge their obedience on. The fact that God said we were – He alone knows the way – so whatever and wherever – we are sold to it. Psalm 119:49-50 shares this feeling.

49 Remember your word to your servant,
    for you have given me hope.
 50 My comfort in my suffering is this:
    Your promise preserves my life

All I have is the promises that He made to me some four years ago now that I would marry. I was so concerned about getting this message I received correct that I went to a Prophetess, two pastors and a deaconess juuuuust to make sure I had heard clearly. And at the time.. I was excited  – thinking it was now.. and with the man I was in. And here I am.. four years later from that day.. Talking to you not only unmarried – but full on single..{Insert straight face – blinking}.. I can imagine the Children of Israel thinking the same thing.. “um.. wasn’t we supposed to be going somewhere ..all now” {re-insert straight face – blinking}..

But they were set on the promise – and that is all they had to go on. Their obedience was set and rooted in the promise made to them by the all knowing God. And sis, bro, Mam.. SIR … that is ALL we have at times – what He told us He would do, however long ago it was. His word will not and can not return to Him void – (Isiah 55:11). He’s not a man that He should lie (Num 23:19). That’s all we have to run on.. -The fact that He said it.

So after you’ve come to yourself.. however long that takes.. You’ll find comfort in the facts of the matter.. You will.. Promise

Much love lovelies ..

Sometimes, I don’t like waiting …

I have discovered something about myself recently. I have very little patients, neither do I like waiting.

I look back over my life and see how much I have done and did out of the inability to wait. I was working before the legal age, as my family were not one of these pocket money and allowance types. So rather than waiting and having to ask, I asked a lady in a charity shop near my grandparents home if I could work for her. She agreed and that where I would be found for as long as I could after school. As soon as I got my National Insurance Number (not even the card, just the number..lol) which meant I was now allowed to work I was out looking for a job. I secured one within a few weeks and have been working ever since.

When I was legally able to apply for a drivers licence I did so and was determined to pass this test. So it took me a few attempts, but I was determined to get this done. Why, because my family don’t know time and I wanted to be able to leave and go when I was ready. So due to my inability to wait and frustrations when it came to their time keeping, I did all I could to remove myself from that. Even to this day, I have to think twice when they offer me a lift to somewhere we are all going. While it means I don’t have to drive, and better for the Ozone and all that, I just have think… your likely to be late picking me up, meaning we are going to be late arriving where we are going, and likely, you’ll be the last to leave when its done..Then the question now remains – do I have enough patients for this? The usual answer is – NO! LOL

Currently, if I’m honest, I am struggling with this season of waiting. I’ve wanted to be married from a very young age. Hindsight tells me that, that may not have been such a good idea, but the desire for marriage has never left me – as often as I tell God to remove it, if it’s not in His will for me to marry! I rolled into my 30’s – grateful for life but VERY disappointed. I was 30 with two kids and no husband.. hardly a happy birthday moment for me. This really was not the way I had planned for things to go, but here I was.

This year I hit 31, still no husband. Still waiting, still desiring to be married and what seems to be nothing happening. Waiting!

We have a song we sing in church that says “I don’t mind waiting”. Being on the choir and a worship leader, I’ve had to sing it a few times, and lead the congregation in what is such a pretty song. But each time, the song is finish, I sit down, and I think.. well that wasn’t very honest was it now Candace. Because the truth is, sometimes – I do mind waiting. I do mind. I do mind sitting here like old meat on a shelf, unfavourable due to my past, unlikely matched due to my age, and a hard nut to crack due to my character. I do mind being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I do mind that almost every man I have been with is now married, I do mind that the few female friends I have had are all married now. I’m happy for them all, don’t get me wrong, but I would be lying if I said I get these invites, attend these weddings, see these pictures and don’t stop for a second to ask God.. when is it my turn?

When do I get to be someone’s good thing, when do I get to be held close, when do I get to share such amazing news that I have been found and chosen, that someone has found me and been mad enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. When do I get shimmy down an isle toward my love, my king, my heart. At what point do I get to celebrate a union and set up that was ordained by God himself in such wisdom and beauty. That He would ordain for two to become one flesh in love, heart, body and spirit. When do I get to look into the eyes of one that will call me his and vow to be mines until his last breath. When will I get to be called bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. When do I get to change my name – give up this one that holds so much pain, hurt, frustration, sadness in exchange for one that is a symbol of love, union, peace. One that I can write with a smile, one I can write with pride and joy. Lord, sometimes I do mind waiting.

While I trust God, and while I know that we should learn to embrace our seasons as they are beneficial and crucial to the next season, this season of waiting is not one I’m enjoying. I pray God increase my faith. My assurance. My trust in Him to be doing what is right for me. That this season – cold, dark, misty, uncertain, dry as it may be wont last forever, that my Spring will come – a time for new birth, freshness, newness, a season of life will come, and that I will be ready in waiting!

Noting particularly profound and deep today.. just wanted to share where I was at. Likely someone reading this is feeling the same way.. the least this will do is help you know that you are not alone..

Impatiently yours …

Sisters Daily x

Supporting the Single Parents in Zion

Ministry to Single Parents.

A few months ago I shared my heart on the the topic of being a single mother in a very old school Apostolic church. Following that article I was asked to share my views on what the church need to be doing for us single mothers and indeed fathers in church. While I cant speak for the single fathers, I am sure some of the 5 points below can be crossed over into a ministry for them too.

Let me know your thoughts.. Do any of your churches “CATER” too or for your single parents, if so what does it look like?

What we need is:
1. Acceptance: Within a church that is so intently (and rightly so) on marriage and the wholeness of marriage, we are dropped in the category of the broken, raising children in broken homes. This often feels as though our family unit is somewhat second class to that of a two-parent family. It should not matter how we have come to this single parent status, the fact is we are still mothers and we are still women. We still encounter the same feeling and struggles as any other women or mothers, it’s just that out circumstances are different. It’s important that the circumstance does not overshadow the core needs that still need to be met.
2. Understanding Our Priorities: Often we are not appropriately catered to as no one really understands what our priorities are. The typical marriage or family aimed seminars don’t always cater to single parents. We often get thrown into singles seminars with the perception that singleness is our priority – no – parenting is. Doing an adequate job of getting this little life from A – B as best as humanly possible is our priority.
3. Be Practical: Physical needs must be addressed and considered before you attempt to deal with the spiritual needs. The offer of prayer is a nice one, and to know that someone is praying for us is a blessing, but practically, the needs and demands in that of a single parent home can be very overwhelming. Generally, our pressures (much like any other home) circle around; Child care, Housing, Finance and Parenting. Consider the contribution to these. Additionally, considering we are so well informed about the impact it has on girls growing up without their fathers, or for boys who grow up without their fathers – the men’s ministry should be equipped and ready to step in as male figures in their life. Offering money in this case is not the practical solution here, engage with these daddy less daughters, engage with these fatherless sons. Don’t just assume the role is being covered, and don’t accept a weekend visit from their own biological fathers to
be sufficient. Be proactive and practical in addressing the needs.
4. Then Go Spiritual: Along the journey to single parenthood some women have encountered and come through some very traumatic childhoods, harsh and abusive relationships, heart breaking break ups (and downs) of marriages. Many of us are wounded and exhausted – at times limiting our initial ability to serve. For this period of time we need just that, time, patients and most of all love. Love Covers All. Many have to learn to trust again forgive again, overcome the past, have our hearts mended while learning to forgive ourselves. This takes time. The implementation of mentors – where older women are matched with younger women who are to provide a line of accountability for her as well as a safe place to be human.
5. Allow Us To Grow: Serving in the church allows mothers to feel a part of the fellowship rather than an outcast being held up by their past. This act as a healing for the mother and adds value not only to the church but to the Kingdom. This will come via encouragement from the body to serve and personal invitation to continue to do so. If there is an identified gifting / ministry identified – fan the flame! Encourage and support the growth, support the development.