Even as I am writing this.. I may still have a little “Situation-Ship” with this thing..Pray for me..Lets just say I had intended to write this on Monday, it’s now Thursday evening and somewhere between guilt and drive – I’m an only writing this now.. But here we are – Thank God..
I intentionally didn’t make any plans for the year. I naturally do it all the time, but for some reason Jan 2019 came and I had nothing. In hindsight it has been a good thing that I didn’t. This year has been quite a traumatic one for me leaving me with a questionable view of reality. I had spent a considerable amount of years thinking one thing and in one 24 hour span all that came crashing down.
What hit the floor were my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, my intentions and strangely enough everything I had thought of myself and who I thought I was. My entire existence had been wrapped up (I was going use the word engaged – the irony) in an individual and the prospects of an entirely different life to the one I currently have. I was under the assumption, and that’s really where I went wrong.
Fast forward 6 months of me clearing up the shattered pieces of my existence there were pieces missing. I thought I was doing well by using my “business” as some kind of polly-filler to mask over the gaps. The pieces that I had managed to get together were not holding well – because of the gaps. But, I thought if I am busy enough, moving fast enough, it wont matter. Boy was I wrong. I wasn’t busy – I was running. Running from being accountable. Running from making an effort. Running from trying again. I was running with fear as my co-runner.
A few things have crossed my mind to do while I have been healing this year. They have all crossed my mind, been written down in my journal, looked into – just a little – and been left with no further action. Marked down to just a good idea, something someone could do. That someone not being me of course. Or, maybe I would get to it one day.
Something else I would do… God would inspire me to do something and rather than just get on with it, I would go ask someone’s opinion about it. Now, this was not for validation – rather stalling. This meant that any delay, was now not mines, but someone else for not getting back to me in a timely manner – coz we all know folks are busy. But why was I looking for the input of others when the idea was heaven sent? Fear.
I have been fed things about myself for so long that I had lost sight and comprehension of who I was. I was scared to be anything, because without the expressed opinions of someone else, I didn’t really know what to think. Everything I did believe about the relationship was now a categorical lie – which also went for everything and anything I believed about me. So where was I? Somewhere admits the shattered pieces.
So here came Mr Procrastination (aka Mr P). Broad in stature – broad enough for me to lost in. Always around and willing to hear why I couldn’t do something today. Always looking to remind me of the fact that “tomorrow is another day”. Tall enough to remind me of just how small I was in this big world of people who could get the job done better than I could. Warm enough for me to curl up and be oh so comfortable with. I had literally fallen into the arms of Mr P – head over heals. He meant I didn’t have to try and ultimately fail – just like I had at the relationship.
One Sunday my Pastor delivers a message with my name on it: “What have you done with your talent?” (Mthw 25:14-30). The parable of a man with workers. He gives them all an amount of money according to their ability and leaves for some time. When he returns he asks about the money. Two of the three workers had doubled what they were given. One had simply dug a hole in the ground and buried it. The man had a few choice words for this worker calling him both lazy and wicked. The money he was given was taken off him, and he was fired. This was one of those “if you can’t say Amen, just say ouch” kind of messages.
I went home and had to really sit and think about what was happening. What was I doing, and why was I not doing what I was supposed to be doing? I was scared. Scared to try and fail again. Scared of getting it wrong like I had been for so long. I’d lost trust in myself and wasn’t even attempting to trust God. None of this was correct, and far from the woman God had called me to be. This relationship with Mr P had to end. I was not about to loose what little talent I consider myself to have due to this thing I had going on. I had been handed one thing to do – could I not just manage the one. I had to call it off. I had to trust God to fill in the gaps of my reality for me. Bridging the gaps between the parts me I had, and the parts I felt that were missing.
To whoever is reading this – If you have been blessed with a vision from God, just get on with it. It’s likely you will look at the thing and for one reason on the other you will assume the job is too big for you. Liklyhood is that, that is exactly correct for YOU – Human being YOU it is too big, but you were never meant to do it alone, God just wanted you to get started. So many scriptures remind us of how we start but God finishes – in ways far beyond our own ability. We just have to be willing to be obedient knowing that the one who has started the work (by planting the seed in your mind) is able to complete it..the bits in the middle have your name on it. Lets not be found both wicked and lazy and have the one thing we had been given taken from us and loose our entitlements entirely.
Find one thing before the year is out that you KNOW you were supposed to get moving with. Do what you can with it and trust God to make provision for the rest. If he has a plan on the earth he need man to work through. He has all the provision, just waiting on a willing channel to work through..Let it be you.