More Waiting…

Father God enough with the waiting already..

I’m going to be honest with you. This season of waiting is not being kind to me.. not in the slightest… Lord and if the tables haven’t turned on me in the last 7 days, I’m not sure what else was happening.

Those who follow know I’m single. And you’ve probably established that I’m trying to raise two young boys. The eldest has approached that pre-teen age and I’m again going to be honest.. this male-pre-teen thing is noooo joke! Sis, Bro, Mam, SIR.. I’ve no clue what version of human will emerge from his room each morning.. I’ve got to learn a whole new language “mumble”.. and like me he has no tolerance for repeating himself, but my boy does not know that I don’t speak mumble.. Any tutors in the house.. come find me please..! An off tangent entrance into my post, but just to add to the waiting, I’m being forced to navigate this new man child of mines… Father help me!

Anyway. I say that to say this.. I need help.

I often talk to God – indirectly about my marital position and how it impacts my sons as a plea to getting Him to send me some help. I was raised in a house of females. The only male I had was my grandfather and he is currently in a home with Vascular Dementia and so isn’t in a position to mentor or show them “man”.. I clearly have no clue what it means to be a “man” and so I look to God and ask him to please send me some help in raising these two boys.

I have a fear of them learning how to deal and navigate life from me – a highly emotional female. And as a result of my fears I know I have a tendency to be emotionally neutral even cold just so they don’t think that bursting into tears is the correct way to react to everything. Wrong, right, in-between.. I don’t really know. But I genuinely, at times, have no clue what else I am supposed to do. I also do not want them growing up thinking that this way of life – single mother blah blah blah is normal or what they should expect from life. I honestly feel that children are both products of what they are told and what they see. It’s harder for you to recreate something you have no knowledge of, and I am desperate to correct their version of “normal”..

In the midst of all these thoughts and feelings – this weekend I have been literally bombarded with message after message about “waiting”… You know when God is trying to tell you something and it seems like every message, every scripture eeeeeeeeeerrrrrbody is talking about Waiting.. And not just waiting – waiting well.

Sunday – Pastor skimmed past a scripture in part of his sermon. Numbers 9:15-23.

This scripture talks of the activity and inactivity of the pillar of fire by night and the cloud by day that was with the Children of Israel. This pillar/cloud was their Sat-Nav. When it moved, they moved. When it stopped, they stopped. The scripture expounded on this for us going into different spans of time. If it stopped for a day, they stopped for a day. A month, then a month it was. If it was a year, then they were still… no movement.. no journeying for a year. If the pillar/cloud didn’t move – neither did they. Verse 20: when the cloud was still for a few days, according to the commandment of the Lord they rested in their tents and didn’t move. The stillness – the no movement was a commandment, a strict instruction not to move..

We are talking about the Omniscient God – All knowing

Towards the end of Exodus they were told where they were going. Into a promise land. A promise made many… many… maaaaanny years ago – but this was all they had to hinge their obedience on. The fact that God said we were – He alone knows the way – so whatever and wherever – we are sold to it. Psalm 119:49-50 shares this feeling.

49 Remember your word to your servant,
    for you have given me hope.
 50 My comfort in my suffering is this:
    Your promise preserves my life

All I have is the promises that He made to me some four years ago now that I would marry. I was so concerned about getting this message I received correct that I went to a Prophetess, two pastors and a deaconess juuuuust to make sure I had heard clearly. And at the time.. I was excited  – thinking it was now.. and with the man I was in. And here I am.. four years later from that day.. Talking to you not only unmarried – but full on single..{Insert straight face – blinking}.. I can imagine the Children of Israel thinking the same thing.. “um.. wasn’t we supposed to be going somewhere ..all now” {re-insert straight face – blinking}..

But they were set on the promise – and that is all they had to go on. Their obedience was set and rooted in the promise made to them by the all knowing God. And sis, bro, Mam.. SIR … that is ALL we have at times – what He told us He would do, however long ago it was. His word will not and can not return to Him void – (Isiah 55:11). He’s not a man that He should lie (Num 23:19). That’s all we have to run on.. -The fact that He said it.

So after you’ve come to yourself.. however long that takes.. You’ll find comfort in the facts of the matter.. You will.. Promise

Much love lovelies ..

The Power in Perspective Pt2

So part two of my thoughts on perspective

Part two will hopefully encourage you to take control of the situations you face by becoming more self aware and in control. Often times we allow life to happen to us as if we have little to no control of the situations. Life happens – that’s a given. Scripture says the rain falls on the just AND the unjust (Mth 5:45) meaning that none of us a exempt from trials and just life .. However, the power is in how we choose to go through it.

I often times think of Job and all he suffered in an instant – unknown to him – God and the Devil were having a good old talk about him before anything started going wrong for him. To top it all off – this wasn’t like when God sent the plagues to Egypt because of the hardened hart of Pharaoh – God was actually boasting about Job and how good he is and STILL allowed the Devil to mess up his life to the extent that he was left with nothing..

Often time our perspective would lead us to think that God is full on out to get us. Just out lurking with pit falls and fog and anything else that would make our lives difficult – but this is the total opposite of what The Father is trying to do. Lets look at some examples:

John 9:1-12 tells us of a man who was born blind and the encounter he had with Jesus. Jesus was about his business as per usual and he encounters this blind man. His disciples ask him “who sinned why he was born blind, his mother or father?”. Jesus’s answer offers a different perspective in verse 3 :  Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Here we see one situation. Two perspectives. The disciples had one, Jesus had another. The disciples wanted to know who was to blame for this terrible thing that this man had endured all his life. They were looking for someone to blame as to why this thing had happened. They were concerned about they WHY of the situation. Don’t most of us get stuck in the Why of a matter. See the different perspective from Jesus – He was more concerned about the WHAT of this situation. What was the reason for this whole orchestrated encounter – simply that the works of God might be displayed through him. See the difference

Another example. Lazarus. In John 11 we see the account of a friend of Jesus being reported to be sick. The bible accounts that this man was close to Jesus. Mary says to him “the one you love”.. just in case He was getting his friends and Lazarus’ mixed up. In verse four we get the perspective of Jesus “When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby”. Here we have a perspective. Now this didn’t change the situation. It didn’t even change the initial outcome of the friend dying – however we see the power of perspective. Look at Jesus’s reaction – He actually stayed where He was for another two days. Not shaken – not even stirred.

Now we could say He wasn’t shaken because He knew what He was going to do – how would you expect me to have such grounding without knowledge of how things are going to end? I’m glad you asked – this is where we have to train our faith.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen we are told (Heb 11:1). It’s what the unknown and unseen are made up from – Faith. Scripture tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. another version talks of an expected end. Here very clearly we see the outline – start to finish of God’s heart and mind towards us. He makes it very clear that he has an expected end. He has a glory at the end for us. His thoughts towards us are GOOD. He has no ill thought or plan for our lives. And this is the rock we need to anchor our perspective in.

Many things have happened to me and often times I stopped to wonder why? Like I didn’t pray, or fast, or read my bible. Like I don’t sever in church, pay my tithes, give my offering. Like I’ve not suffered enough.. that’s one perspective. To consider life as one BIG episode of Total Wipeout where the aim is to Take-Me-Out.. and God is the one releasing all the water and foam and BIG balls just to make it difficult. Or, I could ask God “what is it you want from me and or my life via this? Since your thoughts towards me are good..and in aims of bringing me to an expected end – what (not why) is this in aims of”?

You my dear have to make the decision to taken another stance. Now I am not asking you to put on a pair of sunglasses and pretend like life isn’t happening – because it is – whether you want to see it or not. But what I am suggesting to you is that you take a moment to think before reacting. Lets not forget – Jesus still cried when He got to the grave of the friend who He loved – even with full knowledge of what He was going to do – so I am not taking that away from you. I’m suggesting a different perspective. You actually have the power and choice to do things differently.

Having your thoughts anchored in such a truth (and there are may more like it) allows you to steady your reactions. Like Jesus – asleep on the boat despite the storm. Just because Jesus was there, didn’t stop the storm – but the storm didn’t bother him. It’s a choice you have to and can make.. to choose another perspective.

Much love xxx

 

He’s Acquainted with My Grief : Daddy Knows

So this year has been one of the hardest years I’ve had for some time. In fact it has been a tough could of years, however I am still here. Better for it all. I can say that now – had you asked me a few months a go I probably would have side-eyed you and walked away in a full on stink.. I was hurt. I apologise to anyone who got side-eyed.. My Bad!

In a moment of deep despair and sorrow – feeling a deep sense of rejection, disappointment and betrayal, God sent me words of comfort that no other voice could speak.

I had spoken to a few sisters about the period of life that I was in, and many had offered many kind words. Many encouraged me -some with scripture, some with positive words of affirmation, others just got angry and the cause of my hurt – some seemed more angry than I was… Goodness, I had to calm them down.. like breath sister…breath!  But that’s what you call friends.

But in all honesty, none of it was working. None of it. The hurt I was feeling had sunk deep into the pits and the core of my being a place no one can reach.

The words they were offering – while kind, and true and sweet to the taste – none of it was getting to the real core of my pain. The pain I was feeling was not something I had experienced before. I was feeling more than I would express in words. And nothing adds salt to the wounds than feeling hurt and having no one that you can run to to make it all better. I would tell God.. “you mean I have to sit here, in this, by myself?” It was totally distressing. Utterly mortifying to feel like no one really got the way that I was feeling. And because no one knew how I was feeling – no one could fix it. No one.

I’ve talked previously about how I struggle with abandonment and feelings of being alone. This was all of that and a bag of chips rolled up into one messy blubbering mess. literally – BUT GOD!

I sat at my desk on evening and I heard ; Surely He has bore our griefs. He is fully acquainted with your sorrow…

It was a simple statement. Again, I knew parts of the scripture, but I went to read it in full. Isaiah 53.

I read it once.. and I read it again. And I read it again. This scripture lays out the life of Jesus from an emotional point of view. While he was about doing miracles and preaching an so on – Jesus was still very much human. He came in the form of flesh just so he could associate with how we feel – isn’t that amazing. He did that on purpose – JUST so that in times of grief and sorrow we could turn to him because he knows exactly how we feel.

I read the passage and underlined all the things he had endured – each of them related with me – deeply and genuinely. I read it in a number of translations – and it was literally like reading my present situation point for point. Feelings of being despised, rejected, turned on, avoided, pierce, crushed, oppressed, beaten, tormented, unjustly condemned, struck down, buried like a criminal.. all these things I was feeling and felt that I was totally alone in this – totally alone. But I was wrong. God is fully acquainted with my grief.

I wish I could fully articulate how liberating it felt to know that everything I was feeling – God knew and was acquainted with. So when I cry and say

“Daddy it hurts.. I gave my all and they still hurt me” He says “I know baby, I came to give my life for them and they still beat me half to death.. I know”..

When I cry and say “Lord why..? I cant do this”.. I hear Him say “I know it hurts baby, I know.. I wanted the bitter cup to pass too, I know”..

When those that hurt me walk past me like nothing happened and did noting – and I ask God “why?” – He says “I know.. my own disciples rejected me and swore blind they didn’t know me..I know rejection..I know it well baby”

And its not a sympathetic..there there, never mind.. it’s a ..I’ve been there, I’ve felt that, I’m acquainted with it, I fully feel your pain..

I just wanted to remind someone today OR tell you that you are in no shape or terms alone in your grief. Some heart ache is more that just sadness, its full on grief and sorrow you are feeling. Know that your Father is FULLY acquainted with what it is you feel right now. Nothing you are feeling is strange to Him, noting. All those feelings that are tormenting you and the feelings that tell you that you are doing life in isolation is a lie.. there is someone who has walked this road before and is walking it with you right now.. You’re talking to someone who knows…

Today He says “I know baby.. Daddy knows.. ”

God knows

Isaiah 53 Who has believed our message
    and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
    and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
    nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by mankind,
    a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
    he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

Surely he took up our pain
    and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
    stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
    each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
    the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,
    yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
    and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
    so he did not open his mouth.
By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.
    Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
    for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]
He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
    and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
    nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
    and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
    and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered,
    he will see the light of life[d] and be satisfied[e];
by his knowledge[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
    and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,[g]
    and he will divide the spoils with the strong,[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
    and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
    and made intercession for the transgressors.

 

 

 

Strength of your Heart

Wait on the LORD. Be courageous, and he will strengthen your heart. Wait on the LORD! Psalm 27:14

During morning devotion – and no – that doesn’t mean I was sat on a beach front, watching the sunrise winging on a hammock in blissful silence. . . More like sat at my desk, in front of half eaten breakfast taking the few minutes I had between my 7 year old asking me to locate his left shoe, my 12 year old needing to be reminded to use deodorant today and me remembering to pack my lunch.. that I was caught by the scripture. 

You know when you are sat minding your own business and all of a sudden there is a flurry of activity and its like someone hit the download button and all of a sudden there is a surge of information and encouragement. Scriptures are just flying through your head, thoughts are being lined up that are then being layered up with more scriptures.. You don’t.. well I don’t.. even know where the scriptures are taken from but they are coming thick and fast. Almost like the Clark Kent to Superman transformation in a phone box. Often times I don’t even know what to write on which is why I have pens and post-it notes all over my home.. these moments of inspiration just take off and I need to be able to write them down as they come.. I don’t want to miss a single crumb..

So this particular morning, back to the half eaten breakfast – I hear “Wait on the Lord.. Be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart. Wait I say on the Lord”. I asked myself one question.. – Why, when I am waiting would my heart need strength? Why would it be promised that in my time of waiting that God would be the one to strengthen my heart while I am waiting?

I was reminded of Proverbs 13:12 that states that “Hope deferred, makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life“.

There is something somewhat sickening about waiting..There – I said it.

There is just something about waiting that is unsettling when it has been going on for some while. The proverb suggests that your heart becomes sick when something you have hoped for is delayed, and this is fact. Whether you are waiting for a bus, a delivery, or the microwave – something happens to our hearts in the state of delayed expectations. A strange mix of anxiety and confusion takes us. We know something should be happening about now, we are looking for it, listening out for it, but it’s not turned up. Then here comes the questions – Why has it not turned up? Where is it? When is it coming? How much longer will I be without? what’s going on?

All these are valid questions when waiting, however, after having asked yourself the same question for 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks, maybe 5 months, or the last 5 years, for some decades..(you get the picture) – something happens – literally – something damaging starts to happen. The questions that were once logical and rational have morphed into swards of furry that poke holes in our once whole and sound heart. Turning joyful hope into a toxic slurry of confusion and doubt if we are not careful. Having waited “too long” our heart has become sick..

broken heart.PNG

Proverbs 4:23 states this: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it“. When your heart has become sick – believe me – its evident in almost every area of your life. Jesus while talking to a group of Pharisees notes that “..out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks..”(Mthw 12:34). Our heart and its contents are directly linked to what we do and what we say. A sick heart can lead us to do and say some out of Christlike-Character things.. Proverbs 15:13 tells us “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”..

heart and mind

And this is why our heart needs strengthening – and reinforcing while we are waiting. God in His wisdom lets us know that if we can do the waiting – He will do the strengthening. This is His promise to us. He is well aware of the potentially effects of waiting for a promise given. He knows we have the tendency to become impatient and flustered and loose hope while waiting. Doubt is both toxic and hazardous in the life of the believer. As is fear – and guaranteed where you find one.. the other wont be far behind.

We owe it to ourselves to check the content of our heart and mouth in relation to things we are still waiting on God for. Have we started speaking negatively about that deferred hope? Have we sided with doubt and decided that maybe God cant? Or maybe you haven’t taken it as far as God can’t.. because that would be unheard of to find something God cant do.. so that cant be it – maybe we have consoled ourselves with the thought that God simply wont..we’ve sold our hopes because they cause us too much pain to bear. I dare not get my hopes up..

I’ll share a thought process I had concerning a wait of mines .. “I can’t, in fact I refuse to go to another wedding without a husband of my own…At LEAST a boyfriend.. and dare anyone ask me to be a bridesmaid… again.. in fact, please don’t even invite me to the wedding.. I don’t really want to know – I just can’t. I don’t want to hear how you wasn’t even looking for a husband .. “but look what the Lord did”…. No .. I’m not shouting with you, put down my tambourine and go away please.. and thank you.. #truestory .. one I’m sure a few of you can relate to. My heart had become so toxic in the season of waiting that I found it difficult to honestly (the key word there) and genuinely celebrate others who had received the answer to MY prayer…  err – excuse me!! – Anyways.. we thank God for deliverance.. I’m still single, but my heart isn’t toxic about it.. !

Now, He didn’t promise to speed things up, or put an automatic end out our wait. That wasn’t the promise. He promises to give us the ability to endure. Not something we do ourselves – something He says that He will take care of. However, should we become weary in the waiting – trust me – it happens.. Psalm 147:3 reminds us that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”.

You’ve still got to wait though. I know.. hardly the happy ending you were looking for – but know that God has prepared strength for you in His presence and His word that will strengthen and reinforce your heart while you are waiting. Even if doubt turns up with it’s BFF fear – God has the remedy for both of those.. and its usually wrapped in the demonstration of His love towards us.

Wait on the Lord.. Be of good courage .. and HE WILL strengthen your heart. Wait I say on the Lord..

Until next time..

 

 

There is a stream

Isaiah 40:1 Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God

There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. (Psalms 46:4)

There is a stream that makes glad the city of God. The Psalmist goes on to say that “God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early”

These are two of the scriptures that I have up on my wall. A constant reminder that I am not alone. I often have this overwhelming feeling of feeling like I am fighting this battle of life alone. Pouring out in so many directions but having very little coming back in. Feeling like an emotional ATM Machine, people turning up, making withdraws – often where they didn’t even make any deposits – eventually leaving me in the red. It seems to be a constant cycle I am in. (I’m working on it!)

But I am encouraged to know that there is a River…!

Looking at the purpose and functions of a stream:

  • Brings food to the city
  • Means of transport
  • Source of life to the land and its inhabitants
  • Cleaning and Cleansing

This stream is very much in the midst of us. Providing support, food, life to us at all times. We are not alone and we have not been left without – the streams make glad the city of God.

Psalms 1:3 tells of the benefits of being by this river “and he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper”

This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord. We have the privilege of being planted by the rivers. We have access to the substance we need when we remain by the river. The healthiest and greenest of trees are the ones you find beside the river.

There is a stream …

 

 

 

20/20 Vision

Matthew 9: 27-31

In this scripture tells a story of Jesus healing two blind men. Jesus in his ministry seems very interested in healing the blind.

Our natural sight is a every important part of our senses. Have you ever been walking and something gets in your eye. Automatically you STOP. Why? because your body knows you are in automatic and sudden danger if you can no longer see where you are going. Your eyes allow insight to your surroundings. Providing information to your brain that will allow it to make decisions for your next action. Even with limited vision, you don’t walk with assurance or strength, because your mind knows you’ve not acquired 100% of the information needed to make an informed decision about what to do next. Sight is very important. Often time our progress is limited by impaired sight.

You can be near sighted. This means that you are able to see things that are close to you, near to you, but you are unable to see clearly the things that are a far off. You can also be farsighted. This is when you are able to see things that are further way, in the distance, but you are unable to make out thing that are close to you. 20/20 vision is where you are able to clearly comprehend both near and far.

As in the natural – so in the Spiritual.

Sometimes we get into positions where our Spiritual Sight is somewhat impaired. We can be become Spiritually Near Sighted – we are content and see clearly the things that are near to us. We can see the current things that are in front of us, but we are unable to comprehend the things that are a far off.. We find it difficult to see whats coming. God has said He will do it, but we just can’t see it.

Abram (at the time) in Genesis 12 was called by God and was told by God Himself that he was going to make him a great nation. He was going to make one man.. an entire nation! This promise was repeated several times to Abram in dreams and in visions. In Chapter 15 you see Abram’s Nearsightedness. He talks of the steward of his house having a child and that, that child would be his heir. Abram had heard the promise and attributed it to the child he could see. (Chap 15:2+3). Abram had, had no child of his own, but was looking for a child, and could only see the on in his house, he was unable to see the one that God had spoken of which was a far off. Seeing this God specifies to Abram that the child he was looking for was to be from his own seed. So this clarifies what Abram is looking for a little more. However, still childless, still near sighted, and now 100 , he and his wife agree he would take Hagar and have a child. While this fulfilled the fact that it was Abram’s seed, this was still not the promised child.

They were able to comprehend the now, but were not able to see the future. It wasn’t until the promise had been shared with Sarah that the penny dropped – they understood exactly what they were looking for and indeed at. While it seemed laughable – it was clear how this child was to come and exactly who it was coming by.

Often times we lack 20/20 vision, we are unable to see the blessing and provision of God because we are too busy worrying about the future. Or, we are so consumed with all that we are currently in that we are not able to have faith to see things that are still a far off. Working hard for the now with no thought for the future or the bigger picture.

God has a predefined plan for all of us, but our sight is very important to the success of the mission we are on. Just like Abram, often times because we cant see it we take matters into our own hand. I don’t think we mean to mess up the plan, but we in our limited sight simply can not comprehend something because we have no sight of it. We are on a mission for God and require the right vision and sight to be able to walk this journey correctly.

We like the men who were blind need to have the mind to ask for and have faith for our sight.

Prayer:

Lord, I ask that you would indeed touch our eyes and that according to our faith, that we would receive our sight to clearly comprehend all that you are. God of the now and God of the future. that we would not become consumed with the present, or the future to the point where we loose focus and correct perception of where we are. Ultimately Lord, help us to keep our eyes on you – Captain of our Soul, Author of our Faith – Amen.

Sometimes, I don’t like waiting …

I have discovered something about myself recently. I have very little patients, neither do I like waiting.

I look back over my life and see how much I have done and did out of the inability to wait. I was working before the legal age, as my family were not one of these pocket money and allowance types. So rather than waiting and having to ask, I asked a lady in a charity shop near my grandparents home if I could work for her. She agreed and that where I would be found for as long as I could after school. As soon as I got my National Insurance Number (not even the card, just the number..lol) which meant I was now allowed to work I was out looking for a job. I secured one within a few weeks and have been working ever since.

When I was legally able to apply for a drivers licence I did so and was determined to pass this test. So it took me a few attempts, but I was determined to get this done. Why, because my family don’t know time and I wanted to be able to leave and go when I was ready. So due to my inability to wait and frustrations when it came to their time keeping, I did all I could to remove myself from that. Even to this day, I have to think twice when they offer me a lift to somewhere we are all going. While it means I don’t have to drive, and better for the Ozone and all that, I just have think… your likely to be late picking me up, meaning we are going to be late arriving where we are going, and likely, you’ll be the last to leave when its done..Then the question now remains – do I have enough patients for this? The usual answer is – NO! LOL

Currently, if I’m honest, I am struggling with this season of waiting. I’ve wanted to be married from a very young age. Hindsight tells me that, that may not have been such a good idea, but the desire for marriage has never left me – as often as I tell God to remove it, if it’s not in His will for me to marry! I rolled into my 30’s – grateful for life but VERY disappointed. I was 30 with two kids and no husband.. hardly a happy birthday moment for me. This really was not the way I had planned for things to go, but here I was.

This year I hit 31, still no husband. Still waiting, still desiring to be married and what seems to be nothing happening. Waiting!

We have a song we sing in church that says “I don’t mind waiting”. Being on the choir and a worship leader, I’ve had to sing it a few times, and lead the congregation in what is such a pretty song. But each time, the song is finish, I sit down, and I think.. well that wasn’t very honest was it now Candace. Because the truth is, sometimes – I do mind waiting. I do mind. I do mind sitting here like old meat on a shelf, unfavourable due to my past, unlikely matched due to my age, and a hard nut to crack due to my character. I do mind being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I do mind that almost every man I have been with is now married, I do mind that the few female friends I have had are all married now. I’m happy for them all, don’t get me wrong, but I would be lying if I said I get these invites, attend these weddings, see these pictures and don’t stop for a second to ask God.. when is it my turn?

When do I get to be someone’s good thing, when do I get to be held close, when do I get to share such amazing news that I have been found and chosen, that someone has found me and been mad enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. When do I get shimmy down an isle toward my love, my king, my heart. At what point do I get to celebrate a union and set up that was ordained by God himself in such wisdom and beauty. That He would ordain for two to become one flesh in love, heart, body and spirit. When do I get to look into the eyes of one that will call me his and vow to be mines until his last breath. When will I get to be called bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. When do I get to change my name – give up this one that holds so much pain, hurt, frustration, sadness in exchange for one that is a symbol of love, union, peace. One that I can write with a smile, one I can write with pride and joy. Lord, sometimes I do mind waiting.

While I trust God, and while I know that we should learn to embrace our seasons as they are beneficial and crucial to the next season, this season of waiting is not one I’m enjoying. I pray God increase my faith. My assurance. My trust in Him to be doing what is right for me. That this season – cold, dark, misty, uncertain, dry as it may be wont last forever, that my Spring will come – a time for new birth, freshness, newness, a season of life will come, and that I will be ready in waiting!

Noting particularly profound and deep today.. just wanted to share where I was at. Likely someone reading this is feeling the same way.. the least this will do is help you know that you are not alone..

Impatiently yours …

Sisters Daily x